40 6

This question is going to be controversial, but with the subject matter it's to be expected. Is it racist to not be at all interested in guys of your same race when it comes to dating? My mom says no. I've no malice or hatred, I just feel numb and indifferent when it comes to Black men. This stems from the fact that when I was 8 or 9, my older cousin sexually assaulted me twice. Then when I was older (pre teens) I almost got into fights with other male cousins because they would make passes at me, and I had to defend myself somehow. Yeah, my family is gross. Anyway, the root of it most of all was my father who wasn't ever around and when he was, didn't want us around. To this day our relationship is still rocky because he's manipulated me for money and shelter, insulted the fact that I'm mentally ill and is a religious hypocrite. I can't forgive him entirely because he threatened to hit me once when I kicked him out of my apartment. Lastly, I see that not one female relative of mines have had a happy or loving relationship with any of them. Then the hypocrisy in the Black community that it was okay for them to date women outside their race, but when we did, it wasn't okay because we were "splitting up the black family". My father threw that in my face once because my ex was white. Thing is that I don't tear down Black men to raise up other races. To be honest, I rip on all men for being idiots but I like dating other races because I can be myself with them, they accept that I'm non theist, mentally ill and that I'm a shy, goofy nerd and geek with opinions. I respect black men like a few select uncles and cousins who mind you, have white or Hispanic partners but I don't really say much about it. I'm just doing me, but it's hard to try to explain how I feel to Black men that I don't feel the same as they do because I'm afraid of the backlash.

By Stepmomofdragons7
Actions Follow Post Like

Post a comment Add Source Add Photo

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account


Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.


I have seen white women on dating sites say they are only interested in dating black men or only looking to date other women. It’s really no different than wanting to date thin women or full bodied women, short or tall women. Most people have a phisical preference they gravitate to, even if it isn’t put in stone. Go for what makes you feel comfortable and what you want. I did note that you mentioned several times having a mental illness. I hope it is not related to the assaults and regardless of why, that you are getting help with it. There is non religious support groups and therapists out there, seek them out.


I only like men with beards....So does that make me hairless hater? I don't think so.

I Have a beard ????

@VAL3941 see a sit-able face! No one wants to sit on a clean-shaven face.

Your an alley right up my girl......sorry, girl right up my alley and I have a very long and experienced togue !?


You don't have to explain yourself.


It has nothing to do with race.

I have a member who I keep trying not to block simply because he reminds me of a cousin. Sound familiar?

You can't help what experiences you had - but you can be determined to stay away from repeating them.

For you that means something in appearance and behavior.

Is it conceivable you could overcome the trauma? Maybe. But as you still have a sizable dating pool - don't sweat it! There's only so much therapy one wants to have in a lifetime right? smile009.gif

RavenCT Level 9 July 7, 2018

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your preference. You seem to have already thought this through. You are going to be ok and you will find someone.

Markus Level 7 July 7, 2018

You are not a racist. Live your life with whoever you want to. You don't owe anyone shit.


The heart/libido likes what it likes. Other people should not get a vote, because its your life, not theirs. Live it for you and what makes you happy.

exilesky Level 7 July 7, 2018

I don’t think it matters what race you date. We’re all human. I also think you should do what makes you feel good about yourself. Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and do what you think is right. At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself; not your parents, cousins, friends or lovers.


I'm so sorry that you have experienced these things. I hope that you will meet some wonderful black men in your life so that you needn't feel this way about them. But it is your right to have reservations about a group you are linked to but also associate with terrible memories. Some women can never learn to trust any men after abuse. Some women of marginalised racial groups can't imagine dating men who wouldn't understand their struggle in a racist society. And men so rarely understand what women must endure in a sexist society. Dating can be truly fraught.


You don’t owe anyone any explanations. Love who makes you happy!


You like what you like. As long as whomever you are with treats you good, that should be all that matters.

GwenC Level 7 July 7, 2018

Without much time to read other comments....have you found a survivor of sexual assault group? I think you should consider joining one and talking about this. "Shy, goofy nerd/geeks" need help, too and you've been hurt! I want you to recover. (Sending hugs.)


Sounds like you've been traumatized against men who look a certain way. I'm sorry this is how things have been for you. I view racism as more of a situation where the power structure is there to keep the non-favored race in a subordinant position. I don't see your views on dating in that construct.


Keep being you. You don't need to explain anything to anyone, especially about who you are, or are not, attracted to. You are great just like you are and should be very proud of yourself for surviving your family nastiness. All people have likes and dislikes about the opposite, and same sex. It's NOBODY's business but yours and the one you love. Be with who you want to be with. And be your authentic self. I hope you heal from the trauma and have a long and happy life.

Duchess Level 7 July 7, 2018

There is only one race as far as people go. And that is the human race.


Racism is the belief that by virtue of birth or DNA or genetics one race is superior o another. So my dear sister girl, you do what is right for you. Culturally I would not choose to date an American black man as once was enough. I would date an African American man who fit my criteria. Culturally black American men are similar to men of the 1950's. Stay home, cook, clean & stay pregnant without me being around much. NOT! You my dear are struggling up stream against the tide of black male sexism & I applaud you for demanding your autonomy. This doesn't make on racist. It makes one a strong, independant American woman. Hear me roar. Vote in '18.

Mooolah Level 8 July 7, 2018

I personally think it's racist to judge you on your dating preference.


To me, from a purely evolutionary, atheistic, genetic point of view. We all evolved our traits in relative isolation for locations we no longer live in, at least the typical non native in America of any race. There's no advantage to keeping bloodlines "pure" and there would be benefit to intermingling thereby spreading specific traits among the general population would lead to an stronger gene pool and deeper genetic diversity.

So whatever trips your trigger, floats your boat (or whatever euphemism you like) is what does it for you. That's not being racist, it's a preference, and arguably better for the species in a modern, globalistic world. (Not that a dating choice is concerned with propagation, at first anyway) With the history you laid out, I'd think its more than reasonable your preference is outside of the race of those men. "Keeping the (insert race here) family" together would seem even more racist to me anyway as it's exclusive to a single race.


That is just how you feel, it shouldn't matter what attracts you, as long as you are happy!


You're absolutely allowed to feel whatever it is you feel.


Nothing at all wrong with this.


Everyone has superficial preferences...some rooted in past experiences. Recognizing it is half the battle anyway. It takes a lot of positive traits to make a match, just concentrate on what makes you happy.

arnies Level 7 July 8, 2018

Ok. It's totally understandable. You have to do you. If your stats say that too many black men are a certain way I can't disagree with you. You should live your life the way you want. I feel there are so many problems with the culture of blacks in the US. It doesnt mean all are. For example, most girls wanted a thug for a boyfriend. NO black girls look my way. I don't hate black girls I just view them differently because of my child hood. Dont be afraid to break from culture. Just do YOU! ITS YOUR LIFE! I date all cultures. I'm personally more interested in intellect than looks.

MrChange Level 7 July 7, 2018

Ummm........ you have been through so much traumatic stuff that I do not think that you should be concerned about having any form of romantic relationship until you work on yourself I would say that you would probably might want to consider counseling


What difference does it make? If you are attracted to a man, who cares what the race is? If your father treats you like that, why are you in a relationship with him? He apparently is disrespectful and abusive. Do you need that in your life? Also, forgiveness is highly overrated. He doesn't sound like he cares, so why should you? Live your authentic life with no excuses. You will be much happier. Also, j hope you are pursuing help for your mental illness.


"Is it racist to not be at all interested in guys of your same race when it comes to dating?"
For the sake of argument, let's say it is. So? Are you going to date people you don't have a good opinion of? What you do in your personal life is up to you. Furthermore, it wouldn't be fair for the black dude you would be dating unless you are somehow able to see the person beyond the race. So, you not dating people you don't like is a win-win!
What you should be careful about is generalizing from yours and your friends experiences. It's a slippery slope. I hope that is obvious. You don't have to justify your choices, but if you try to do so by maligning a race, I think that is racist. My opinion!

Spongebob Level 7 July 7, 2018
Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text 'q:124786'.
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content read full disclaimer.
  • is a non-profit community for atheists, agnostics, humanists, freethinkers, skeptics and others!