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Is it okay to pretend to love someone if you're up front about it?

and just to clear things a little bit, no I have no pretense with anyone and have no designs in that direction. I did make another comment in the post here which might explain the question.

hankster 9 Aug 14

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42 comments

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2

Historically, most marriages probably were this type as they were arranged marriages. I'm sure most "pretended to love" while in private the couple made no pretense of their lack of love for each other. Years ago, duty, social norms, and religion kept couples together in this pretense.

In the modern era, couples have the freedom to be together because of their feelings for each other. This is now the norm.

However, can you pretend to love while being up front? Absolutely. Humans have been doing this for centuries.

Succinct, as usual.

I appreciate your ability to put into words what I'm thinking and incapable of verbalizing.

Heck, you clear my mind a lot.
Thank you. Your ordered mind and intelligent wording are impressive.

It was like that in the 50's. I remember four of those couples on my block alone. Three couples like that occupied the houses on each side of us during that period. You know after WWll there were a lot of couples who "had" to get married.

@Donotbelieve The grueling hell I was put through as a doctoral student. Despite that, it did teach me the ability to organize, connect, and communicate in a succinct and logical manner. Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.

@Winkiedink54 I don't think we see it so much today as we did years ago. Umm...can I suggest you watch the movie Mona Lisa Smiles? In the story a student, Betty Warren, marries a man considered appropriate for her level of wealth and status. In the movie, you'll see that quite soon after they marry, she begins to realize that her husband does not love her. When she tells her mother the marriage is over, her mother's reaction was one that she should be satisfied with image, status, wealth, and reputation over love. Although the movie is not a true story, the depiction of couples together for other reasons besides love is definitely true.

@Winkiedink54 Sounds like you were the smart and enlightened one in the family.

3

I once loved a woman I believed loved me back but it turned out she just really, really wanted a baby. She broke my heart.

She didn't get one.

sorry man.

@hankster Live and learn, I guess.

That's terrible. I'm sorry.
Deception and betrayal really suck.

@KKGator They certainly do. I was sure she was for real. Shows what I know.

I always get told women don't do that kind of thing. They say women never lie to get pregnant and I'm sure u have heard the same at some point.

@jorj Next time you get told that, you can tell them there are still some who are willing to. I know one personally.

4

Reminds me of the Clintons sham of a marriage a bit. Could never believe that Hillary actually forgave and still loved Bill after all the humiliation he put her thru. No doubt she stayed married to him and they both faked their continued marriage all for her political ambition and their shared hunger for power.....

And understand that my contempt for the Clintons, as well as all corporatist pols, is not because I am a conservative, which I am not, but because I am a socialist who hates all pols that are phony and serve the status quo.

And Melanoma loves the orange circus peanut?

@BufftonBeotch No, I doubt she does, but that is a whole other ball of pathology... In her case the attraction is money and fame that she gets from being with The Donald... Equally sick, just different.....

@TomMcGiverin She stays with him because Trump insists on pre-nups and is willing to play arm candy even if she won't hold his hand.

@BufftonBeotch she is the typical gold digger that allows rich and powerful men to "grab their pussy". They are a dime a dozen and Trump was being honest when he said they allow him to do it. Women all thru history have loved the rich and powerful men no matter what they look like or act like.

@WonderWartHog99 5 any rich person who don't insist on a prenup is a fool. Just shows Trump isn't as dumb as Jeff Bozos, his ex-wife will be tied for richest person in the world because of no prenuptial agreement. Why she deserves that much just because they were married is just beyond comprehension to me. No way do she deserve to get half because she certainly didn't do half the work to gain it all.

@jorj Once you are on the Forbes list, you can lose 90% of your wealth and still fly first class daily.

For most of the ultra wealthy the money is a game. It's lost most of its importance except to use it for social change and public relations.

1

up-front meaning saying, "I know I act like I love you, but I really don't"...?

right.

@hankster reminds me of "The Girlfriend Experience"...

3

You are contradicting yourself...you can’t be both pretending and upfront. Pretence is deceit ....upfront is open and honest.

but what if you were pretending to like yourself.

@hankster That is even more nonsensical.

1

mostly, it's a bogus question, y'all made some very reasonable comments. a post earlier set me to considering how some relationships seem like a magazine article. how love can be commercialized or utilized say to gain fortune or fame or political influence. seems to me like it's probably happening all the time.

we could ask, "is it okay to allow somebody to pretend to love you for economic or political gain?

We first have to define love, which can't be done. But it can be explained.
Love is all about pleasure and we gain pleasure by tantalising our senses and thus our mind. But pleasure may also be gained by sharing, empathy. The pleasure you gain comforting something in distress for example. So "love" is both directly pleasuring your own self or extending it to others, sharing. If you miss something, you loved it as it gave you pleasure.
Sorry to sound all free love hippy shit, but it's the subject matter.
So your scenario, if both parties share their time and gain pleasure by doing that, love is in play. If it's not pleasurable then it's not love. Agree with you many "love" for material gain/ comfort which is an arrangement rather than a relationship.
Clear as mud 😉

4

oxymoron. if you're up front you're not pretending and if you're pretending you're not up front. so whether or not it's okay is moot; it's not possible.

g

Yeah. I caught that too.

Is this a "Love for Sale" thing?

@BufftonBeotch i have no clue!

g

1

I’ve read about this from the POV of a high-functioning psychopath. That is, someone who does not experience emotion or empathy in the way that neurotypical people do. We are talking about someone who behaves in socially acceptable ways, may even be pretty successful in their career, and sustains functional relationships. While they don’t necessarily experience “love” in the way that most people do, they can be a “loving” partner by understanding what their partner needs and responding to that. People do the best they can.

"...a high-functioning psychopath. That is, someone who does not experience emotion or empathy in the way that neurotypical people do." A psychopath cannot feel empathy, is manipulative. What makes you think you are a psychopath? I ask because I was married to one...she pushed our daughter down a flight of steps so she would be injured and could then sue the apartment due to loose carpeting on the top of the steps. Are you one of those?

@dahermit I did NOT say that I am a psychopath. I said I read a book. That’s why my comment starts, “I’ve READ ABOUT...” 🙄
I have done a lot of research about psychopaths, sociopaths, personality disorders.
There is a field of thought that some people have a difference in brain function that results in not experiencing emotion like most people, and therefore having difficulty feeling empathy.
These people might develop anti-social personality disorder, particularly if they experience childhood trauma, OR they might have a pro-social upbringing and be high-functioning, successful people.

3

Why bother?

My first thought.

1

the only way you could pretend but the other person already knows would be if you are deliberately acting, so why? Trying to con a third person?

for the camera so to speak.

1

Why on earth would you DO that? You're just talking heartbreak for someone.

I would not. anyway pretending to love someone has got to be an awful lot of work. I'm way too lazy for that stuff.

4

Maybe I'm not understanding the question.
Pretending to love anyone is a deception.
Being up front about it is admitting to a lie, and
perpetuating it anyway.
None of that makes any sense to me.

I'm perplexed by that too. Can't really be deception if you're transparent about it

2

If we're just pretending to love someone better not to love at all...the most and worst thing that we don't want and avoid to happen is somebody playing our emotion....
Emotional investment is the hardest feelings to widraw.🙂

Mahal kita.

2

Loyalty, to me at least, is more important than love/lust.

I count respect far above love and lust.

7

I don't understand how one can be upfront and pretending at the same time?

7

What's the point of pretending if you're being upfront about it?
Anyway, I think people pretend a lot of things to get what they want. Including "love".

Agreed

1

You are ambiguous here.

ambiguity is the best policy.

1
2

If the other is okay with it, why not?

3

I'd think if you were "up front about it", then the pretense would be out the window

1

Two consenting adults. I'm certain worse things have happened. (But you need to be honest about it. I doubt too many people on the receiving end of faux-love would stay interested.)

4

I can understand being in a relationship that is based on considerations other than romantic love; and there is nothing wrong with that, as long as everyone is being honest about it, and their intentions, and all involved are okay with it. And, I can understand enjoying being with someone, treating them with consideration and kindness and giving them your attention/time etc. but not being "in love" with them. But, I don't understand the need to pretend to love that person. If the person needs you to feel love for them, then they need to be with someone else if you cannot give them that. And, if it doesn't matter to that person, as long as you are good to them, why the need to feign love?

2

Does that mean that it is ok to hate someone and never tell them that you do?

1

Let’s hope she is pretending to.

1

It sounds fake and I would rather have authentic love than pretend love. That's me. Sounds like a recipe for heart break and suffering.

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