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My mother is having a family cookout on Friday.

She is inviting my half uncle who I have avoided and not seen for a year. He used to sell my sister(who is a recovering addict)drugs. Aside from that, he is also a right wing, Flat Earth conspiracy theorist. I have expressed to my family how much I dislike him and why I do not want contact with him. I hate lying and saying I have other plans that day, as I'm free all day Friday. My mother and my sister are still in contact with him. I do not trust him. I know it's only for one day, but every time I see him, I can't help but to feel so angry, hurt, and uncomfortable. I go to great lengths to avoid things that make feel uneasy. He has also went behind my back in the past and has caused fights between my sister and I by telling her things that I told him in secrecy when I was foolish and trusted him.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to go to this family gathering? Would you personally still go given the event if you were in my shoes?

vjohnson51 7 Sep 3

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43 comments

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0

I know how hard it is to have to avoid certain family members. But, I would not go where I would be that uncomfortable...if another person that I do not trust is invited. Let your mom’s guest enjoy themselves, and visit with them on some later date when the ‘half uncle’ is absent. It hurts to take ourselves out of family gatherings, because we want to belong to our family unit. But, making ourselves sick will not help us or them. When, you can go to these gatherings and not feel emotionally distressed, then it would be ok, but until then you have a choice to make.

6

Unreasonable? Nope. One thing I've learned with experience, you can turn down invitations without explanations, and that is just fine. If pressed, "I don't want to go" is explanation enough. People want to guilt you with family shit? Fuck 'em. The people who care don't matter, the people who matter don't care. May you find harmony. Good luck sweetie.

6

Imho, don't make up some excuse, just tell them 100% straight out the truth, you don't really need to associate with scum like that even IF he is a part of your family.
Try organising an event of your own and NOT sending that piece of shit an invitation plus instruct ALL other invitees that HE is 100% UNWELCOME to attend.

I agree

6

I wouldn't go and don't feel guilty. It's difficult to do but I have severed connections with several family members who have no respect. Life is too short and I am too old to give a fuck anymore.

4

I wouldn’t go, and I’d tell my mother and sister why. What an ass.

4

Why even feel guilty about it? Your mom invited him. You don’t want to see him. You don’t go. You don’t worry about it. You tell them why. Easy peasy. 😉

4

Just being a flat Earther would drive me crazy. Do whatever feels best for you. Listen to your "gut." Would you feel like you missed out on something, or be relieved you didn't go? It's okay to do what's best for you.

4

I’ll go with you, and be like your bodyguard. If he comes within 10 feet of you, I’ll say I’m sorry sir step back please.

Hmmm... sounds like a romantic film I've seen before. 😛

4

You're not unreasonable. I would be honest and say that I have no desire to be around this person.

4

Wouldn't go. I wouldn't lie about why either.
Would definitely say it was because of him.

If it's clear to me that my feelings are not being respected, I don't put myself in situations where that shit is rubbed in my face.
I'm not going to worry about how that gets perceived by anyone.

You have every right not to be subjected to anyone.

3

I understand why you would want to stay away so you should trust your gut. He sounds like a very shitty person and it sucks that his presence would keep you from being with your family. In that regard, maybe put a laxative in his food or drink so he'll have be in the toilet the whole time.

I give terrible advice. Don't do that. 😄

3

You are old enough to make your own decisions on who you need to associate with. If it makes you uncomfortable being around him and the gathering is going to be intimate enough that you cannot get far enough away from him to be comfortable, don't go and make another time to spend with your mom and sister when he isn't there. Buy the food for the next cookout and make it just about your immediate family. Some things are not worth the discomfort, one of them is a free meal! LOL

3

If he's still dealing , make an anonymous call to the police on him . That way , he is removed from the family gathering , not you .

3

I would not go and I would tell my mother that I feel very uncomfortable around a man that sold drugs to my sister.

3

Try holding your own family get-together, inviting only he family members you want to attend.

3

Do what ever brings you peace. Will seeing him outweigh your pleasure at being with the rest of the family?

3

I think I'd talk to my family about how uncomfortable making this is.

Perhaps they're in the forgiveness business and maybe he's trying to turn over a new leaf - but he's been a creep in your life (and your sister's) so far and they should acknowledge that.

You need to know if there is any attempt at change on his part - or if they're keeping him around to see if he can repeat the same crap again. (Which just wouldn't be wise now would it).

It's okay to state an opinion with family even if it differs from their own.

3

I wouldn’t go. You don't have to make a big deal of it if you don’t want to - just say thanks but no thanks maybe?

2

Would you drink water laced with lead? Would you take toxin? This guy is clearly toxic, and it sounds like you're doing right by yourself staying away from him.

2

Nah. Use the oppourtunity to confront him about his drug dealing, that he ruins life, that he should apologize to your sister and try to make amends for what he did.

The flat earth stuff doesn't matter. He isnt deciding textbooks or government policy. If he starts on it tell him to STFU.

Other than that just make his stay very unpleasant...in your face, everybody can seeb unpleasant. I have no sympathy for drug dealers. F***k 'em.

2

No, you sound very reasonable not wanting to be around this guy. You can choose not go attend and be honest about why. Tell anyone who wants to know why you refuse to attend and let those you will miss seeing that you look forward to doing something with them without their uncle the pusher. You can't control who others choose to be around, but you have every right not to attend functions this guy is invited to.

2

You have every right to NOT see this person. Those who have betrayed us, lied, abused us in some fashion only get the chance to re-trigger that trauma when we must meet them again and "play nice", pretend that they are not the manipulative individuals they are.

I would not go to this gathering. Care for yourself.

2

You take your fist and when he is sitting down and you are in a standing up position as hard as you can turn around clock him on the nose with your closed fist. Just make sure you hit his nose dead on. This has no weapons or DNA involved but the witnesses may be a problem so secure a good location.

2

No, you're not unreasonable. However, you could be missing an opportunity to stand your ground. I guess I'm old and don't get two shits anymore but I would call him out and squish him into the dirt for his drug selling to your sis. Then I would would go straight to the flat earthers are morons. I would make his visit so awful he would never come back... but again, that's me.

Do what makes you comfortable. If that's avoidance then do that. I would however at least be honest with your mom as to why you won't be there. Bring the facts, keep the emotions in check, make sure your convo is reasoned and easy for her to understand. You never know, she may decide to chose you over the scummy uncle and kick his ass to the curb.

2

(The following is a joke.) Maybe find out which flavor of Flat Earther he is, and then randomly float a competing Flat Earth theory. I hear there are several factions of Flat Earthers now who really hate each other.

2

I would not go. But do what you feel is best for YOU.

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