Bless you sir, I wrote this to develop a discussion on moral integrity.
atheist are often accused of not having a moral code.
clearly this is not the case.

@m16566 some folks " purity " is destroying HUMANITY . Morality needs to be fluid ( grey areas )
as social progress needs to evolve.
Thanks

There is no such thing a lying by omission. If that was actually a thing, then protecting your privacy or not sharing intimate thoughts would by default make you a liar! Thats ridiculous. Lying by omission is notion created by those who think they are entitled to know someones business. If I don't tell you something that doesnt make me a liar, regardless of the consequences.

yes the purpose of a vasectomy is to protect the man in case the woman is lying

@m16566 The purpose of my vasectomy was two fold.. yes to “protect” me from having more children but also so my partner could stop taking pills and not have to undergo a tubal ligation and force an early onset of menopause.

@Davekp A tubal ligation does not bring about early menopause, as the ovaries are not involved at all.

@evergreen Then I have been living under a false understanding. lol Not the first time.. probably not the last. Thanks for the correction. Still glad I had the vasectomy.

@Davekp Ya done good !

Did not dan say he didn't want kids, shouldn't that be enough.

@m16566 for the first question, yes. I have to stick to the parameters of the story and assume he thinks she also doesnt want kids because she "says don't worry its taken care off" doesnt mean she is on the pill, and he doesnt need to know the method she uses. Likewise she doesn't need to know the method he uses, just that he doesnt want kid.

But the second question presumes they both know she wasn't on pills that he had wrongly assumed she was "taking care of it". She lied to him for five years and now she asked the question why wasnt she pregnant...at that point he has the option to lie.

I say he shouldn't. She broke the trust. Tell her why, and break up. He did nothing wrong.

@Gwendolyn2018 i have to disagree that he had to tell her about the vasectomy or any other method he may have used.

Thw woman doesnt have to tell him her methods. All she said was "don't worry, its taken care of" this doesnt mean she is taking pills, but the request has been agreed to and handled. He doesnt need to know how she handled it.

Also about the cost and other troubles: She agreed and told him to not worry about it! That's on her. He trusted her privacy, as it should be.

The real question is: why did she lie for 5 years!? At any point during the 5 years she could have told him but didnt. For 5 years she lied to him every time they were intimate...unacceptable and dangerous behavior! Ehat she did is huge betrayal of trust that could have ruined his life.

@Gwendolyn2018 there is no such thing as lying by omission. People think they are entitled to know - but they are not, not unless they have been explicitly mislead to think otherwise.

She never directly asked if he can have children and he already told her he didnt want to have kids - so he doesn't have to tell. Thats not lying on his part! He did not mislead her. She knew his position. The fact that she assumed he could have children so she could trick him into having kids does not make him a liar.

Now if she said to him "I want to have kids now" then he is absolutely obligated to tell her he can't have kid, but he still doesnt have to say he had a vasectomy.

She however absolutely betrayed his trust. She explicitly told him she would take care of birth control but actually did not. She literally lied about what she was going to do to trick him. She is beyond morally reprehensible.

@Gwendolyn2018 Opinion!? Wtf? This is NOT a matter of opinion!

okay I'll bite: solved what issue exactly? She already knows he doesnt want to have kids...why isnt saying "I don't want to have kids" enough? Why does she need to know anything else? Doesnt no mean no? Thats should be enough to leave him. The only reason she stayed was to trick him.

Are you seriously BLAMING him for trusting her!? You can piss off with that victim blaming shit! It's ENTIRELY her fault! HE GAVE HER ALL THE INFO SHE NEEDED TO LEAVE. Period. End of story. Everything she did after than makes him the victim.

He trusted her FOR 5 YEARS. All that time she was secretly using his body for purposes against his wishes. What would you call that? It's not rape, but it is certainly some kind of violation of his body and his rights as a human being.

It's like some person making a clone of you without your permission. It's truly fucked up! And the fact you are blind to that, talking about how he could have prevented that, boggles my mind.

Do you say to a sexual assualt victim "why were you walking alone at night dressed like that"? No! Its not their fault at all! Does the assaulter need to know why exactly the assault victim wasnt interested? No!

This is not a matter of opinion!

" I don't want kids it's "so hard to understand

@m16566 I feel the more common problem is people not actually answering the question asked and the asker not pressing to get their question answered properly.

In your scenario Dan asked a straight forward yes or no question to which Melody obfuscated. "I have it covered." means nothing. To her that might mean.. "when I get pregnant I will look after the baby. You are not going to be held responsible." Dan did not make a second attempt to get the answer.

If Dan had not had a vasectomy he would no doubt be a participant in The Grand Parenting Experiment known as fatherhood.. against his desires.

In life, in general, people are horrible at listening and worse at giving real answers.

Well said I appreciate it when people are willing to explore all the subtleties

the woman was clearly running a baby trap the man said he didn't want kids and didn't want to get married she disregarded his feelings in order to trap him into an obligation

why it was none of her business he said he didn't want kids

@m16566 And she said she did. It was at that point, he had an ethical responsibility to disclose the vasectomy.
He withheld information she should have had in order to make an informed decision regarding her life, and her future.
He knew she wanted marriage and children.
She told him she did.
By withholding that piece of pertinent information, he was deliberately putting his desires over hers.
He was lying to her by omission.
He remained duplicitous throughout the entirety of the relationship.

Even if she was under the delusion, "Oh, he'll change his mind", he fed her delusions by not being honest with her from the beginning.

He is a dishonest person, and an incredibly selfish person, as well.

Do stop trying to excuse inexcusable behavior.

@KKGator So she had the right to force children on him by lying about using birth control?

If she wanted a man to commit to a lifelong obligation to her, she should have moved on after he said he did not want to be married or have children.

@BufftonBeotch She was being duplicitous, as well. Dan and Melody are two people who were not being honest with one another.
I merely focused on the question the OP posed.
Should Dan have disclosed his vasectomy?

If the question had been about Melody, I would have pointed out her dishonesty.

esp after "no problem?" I'd be taking a vaca with her in the desert somewhere prolly

@BufftonBeotch funny! I thought you were going to use the immaculate conception angle. I can see her now. “It’s a miracle! It’s a miracle!”

@Canndue Or name the child Evel Kneivel. After that determined little sperm.

Adgreed. I see any number of question that could be asked of either partner about what they failed to tell the other.

you have to admit it's well-written

@Gwendolyn2018 hmm, you think? might depend upon the age group? seems pretty common to me though

@Gwendolyn2018 procreation is a natural instinct for men and women

Except Dan never wanted kids.

@RussRAB he didn't specify of his own because if he asked for pills, it is implied he was afraid to procreate a child, even vasectomies have a risk, look it up. No moral dilemma here but just ignorance and miscommunication.

@Mofo1953 - From the original post: "Melody asked Dan" would you like to get married and have kids?"
"Dan says" no I don't want to get married and I don't want to have kids""

@RussRAB and even earlier than that from the same post "Dan asks Melody 'are you on birth control?'" Meaning he asked her if she was on the pill. What for or why if he had a vasectomy? Implication as earlier stated.

they disgusted marriage children and birth control,
Dan said" I don't want to get married or have kids" enough said

try as she might she wasn't going to get pregnant because Dan didn't want kids