Agnostic.com

90 11

Why do men get so mad when they get rejected?

This is probably already a question circulating but I thought I'd ask myself.

I see this all too often, when a guy PMs a girl with some sort of compliment or come on, and girls can be as sweet as ever with their let down that they are not interested and the guy will come back with profanity and put downs, calling her ugly or fat. I don't get it. Please explain.

valerina 7 Mar 19

Post a comment Reply Add Photo

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

90 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

1

I'm a writer. Rejection is just a part of life.

31

Cue the "not all men" and "I don't think most men do that"comments. You hear that sound? It's the sound of a thousand women rolling their eyes at being told,yet again,that a very common behavior is just the work of a few bad apples. Yes. MANY men do this. Yes most women have experienced it. Quit trying to tell us it's not a thing just because,you personally, may not have seen it.

nice one

Most of by friends are female and I hear about it happening all the time. Plus worse things.

28

Men are told that they are the heroes, women are the prizes, and that they deserve to be with whomever they want. Not directly, of course. In the movies, the man does some man things and the woman falls in love. Or the man doesn't take no for an answer and the woman falls in love. Or the woman was secretly in love the whole time.
Feed enough of these stories to men who are taught not to have emotions (and therefore can't deal with their emotions), and you have a recipe for misunderstood emotions to bubble up. When they do, many men only know how to express anger, rather than disappointment, so that is what happens.
Basically, we have created a lot of entitled men who can only express negative emotions as rage.

That is one of the best explanations of toxic masculinity I have come across. Thank you.

Yes. Well said. Thank you.

I think you nailed it... again nicely stated.

Well said, growing up in the 50's & 60's I pretty much observed the same.

I also replied to this post... but you said it so much better than I.

15

For the men saying “not all men,” or “women too.” OF COURSE not all men. OF COURSE women sometimes get nasty about rejection too. The thing is that it is SCARY as a woman. it represents a danger to our physical safety when a man gets angry in a situation that, by the way, we probably didn’t invite. not because ALL men will escalate to physical violence but because it only takes one.

@Troy ah and here we see the classic"blame the victim " approach. Thanks for playing, spot the misogynist!

@Troy your point is flawed and your logic pathetically transparent. Don't blame me or feminism for your weak arguments. Think better.

@Troy seriously, though, your answer to men being abusive when turned down is for women to understand men better. Women actually understand men relatively well (relative to men understanding women) because we HAVE to understand men because, again, our safety and survival depends on it.

12

It's not just men. I've seen women go over the top too. I think it has a lot to do with not owning your own emotions and blaming other people for the way you feel. (Men ARE notorious for this, sorry guys). The individual feels that the object of their affection PUT that feeling in them ,so the object is responsible for the attraction and subsequent bad feelings that come with rejection. Healthy people realize that their attraction comes from within themselves and is solely their responsibility. Someone who is aware of this doesn't lash out at the other because they know there is no "fault" in the attraction.

@Beach_slim what is dishonest about not being attracted to someone?!!

@Beach_slim what a load of horseshit.

@Stacey48 which basically boiled down to "my feelings were hurt so I'm totally justified in being a horrible ass because I'm a guy and that's just what we do".

12

Rejection can be painful and some people lash out.

Spot on. It's true and unfortunate that guys especially have a hard time acknowledging pain.

11

I see a lot of men here implying this is a level playing field. It's not. There is no female equivalent of the Incel movement. When a man expresses hostility toward us for rejecting us, we have reason to feel threatened and to fear that he may take that hostility further. In many cases, that open hostility the man expresses can be just the warm-up, and we have no way of telling if that's the case. Men may joke about it, but they seldom have to wonder if the woman they just brushed off will be waiting for them in the parking lot to force themselves on him, injure him, or murder him. These are real concerns for women, and there are stats to prove it. Of course "not all men" are monsters. But the monsters are indistinguishable from the rest of you. Men fear getting screamed at or having their masculinity questioned, if they insult a woman. Women fear being stalked, maimed, and murdered for insulting a man.

Deb57 Level 8 Jan 3, 2019

You couldn't have said this better.

One of the sweet things about being male is that you don't automatically have to take your personal safety into consideration when dealing with the opposite sex. This is something most women do so constantly that it often becomes unconscious habit. Something as simple as walking outdoors alone can be a huge risk for us, and the risk escalates if we have pissed off a man for any reason, intentionally or unintentionally, or even without realizing we have done so. As you say, although I have experienced sexual/romantic rejection and am familiar with how painful it can be, it hasn't happened very frequently. But most women are accustomed to being rejected often in arenas other than romantic, we are accustomed to being interrupted when we speak, we are accustomed to having it assumed that we don't understand things and need to have them explained to us by a man, we are accustomed to waiting our turn even when our turn keeps getting pushed back by the priorities of someone who considers his own far more important, we are accustomed to being assessed for merit purely on the basis of how we look, and hell, we are even accustomed to having to quickly step out of the way of the path of an oncoming man in order to keep from getting body slammed on the sidewalk.

I was thirteen years old the first time a guy tried to rape me in a parking lot after saying I wasn't interested. That same week the lady downstairs was raped and her stomach was cut up. I'd be shocked if most men lived with this type of fear

9

If a man reacts like that, it's time to instantly bock/delete/hang up/leave. Someone like that is dangerous, and the woman who rejected him dodged a likely jealous control freak future abuser.

Most cis, hetero men hide their disappoint, however, realizing an ugly response will not only get him cut off from the woman, but she will spread his infamy on social media.
Many men heavy in female traits, however, can be passive aggressive and revengeful, but again, these are men to avoid.

8

I don’t like that rejected feeling, so I just don’t really talk to people. I’m assuming others who do that are trying to protect their ego. They build the female up in their minds and then the rejection shatters their perception of themselves, so in order to preserve the ego, they react as you stated. Maybe, anyway. But what do I know? I don’t really talk to people.

Well for someone who doesn't talk to people...you're sure watching them, aren't you? And your observations are on point.

@Freespirit64 yeah, humans are fascinating animals

8

insecurity. humans don't handle rejection well. we humiliate others to make ourselves feel better

@Beach_slim it is insecurity. Its human nature to react negatively to rejection. not all but many will respond in a negative manor because they are insecure. If you have high self confidence and some one rejects you chances are you would basically care less and move on to the next person.

@sarahjustme To be honest with you, the only difference i find between heterosexual and homosexual is that one is same sex and one is opposite sex. I have the same experiences and drama with men that i experienced when i dated women. The reason is this:
People all have different personalities no matter if they are gay or straight. There is no such thing as a typical woman or gay man.

I have encountered Straight women who are : Confident, insecure, vain, fem, tom boy, etc
I have encountered Gay men who are: Confident, insecure, vain, fem, masculine, etc

This is only my opinion speaking from my life experience but i don't find much difference.

@sarahjustme absolutely. the only thing different is sexuality. people are pretty much the same. i have rejected a gay dudes advances and the next thing that comes out of his mouth is an insult to my weight or something. My response is always this...."you approached me so apparently there was something about me that attracted you, however i did not approach you because i am not attracted to you at all"

8

They weren't raised with any modicum of respect. IMO naturally.

7

I assume that the men that engage in such a behavior just accept the rejection as an insult on themselves and act accordingly. Behavior that may look stupid to the woman and accidental onlookers yet looks completely justified in the eyes of tha man in question.
Some guys have to understand that rejection is not mandatorily an insult.
Yet there are also these women... who really know how to make a rejection hurt... a lot. And I suspect some even feel some twisted pleasure exercising this skill of theirs...

7

I doubt if most men do that. I don't, wouldn't, and don't know of other men who would.

I'd guess these guys are frustrated and lashing out at the most convenient target.

Does this regularly happen to you? Women in general?

Oh yes. Men who were dying to get you into bed or "treat you like the princess you are" will suddenly call you fat,ugly, slutty,bitchy. "You're not that hot anyway, I just wanted to get laid" etc. Women sometimes get physically attacked,even murdered for rejecting men.
It's gross and it's really common.

I'm guessing it's very related to age.

@RavenCT IDK there's pretty strong historical evidence that this behavior has been going on for hundreds of years.

@Blindbird I think the older men get the less testosterone - the less acting out behaviors.

Some are stuck that way for life though.

I worked at a Battered Women's shelter over 30 years ago. Nothing seems to change.

@RavenCT it really doesn't. All we can do is raise our kids better. Thank you for the work you've done. ❤
You may be correct about men aging out if those behaviors. Spousal abuse was rife in my family but as my uncle's aged,you'd swear butter wouldn't melt in their mouths.

@Blindbird Thank you!

I hope I'm at least a little right. Means I have less of this to deal with. Thought "Boy toy" comes to mind? lol

@RavenCT well in the reading I've done, the general idea seems to be that most of the violence centers around mating rights and ensuring paternity probably means that you and I are not likely to trigger those behaviors even in younger men. 🙂

@Blindbird Too true! 😉

6

They're just following the great example set forth by their president.

ZOOM, ZOOM... the leader of the pack.

5

The key element in situations like this is time. As in, the finite amount of it we have on this earth.

If a guy cuts out on you and moves on after you've placed him in the friend zone, it's because every single second he spends with you beyond that point is a waste of his formidable years of peak sexual opportunity.

You have to understand that he already has guy friends to hang out with, shoot the shit, grab a couple of beers and catch a ball game. He's with you because he's romantically interested, and if you're only interested in just being friends, then you have nothing to offer regarding his needs that he can't easily have fulfilled somewhere else.

There's nothing sadder than watching some guy wander through the desert of the friend zone for weeks, months or even years hoping that some woman he's pining over will one day offer him an oasis which doesn't exist.

If you're really interested in keeping a guy you're friend zoneing as a friend, then you have a couple of options:

  1. Set him up on dates. Make it your mission to find him a mate.

OR

  1. If he's so unfortunately unattractive that the likelyhood of finding a mate is slim, then take him to the Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada as a christmas or birthday present and get the poor guy laid for pete sake.

Friend zoneing a guy just so you can have somebody to bitch to about the guy that you are actually fucking is no act of friendship. It's an act of cruelty. And you're no friend if you do it.

I would guess that most people probably know rather quickly if there is at least some potential for a sexual relationship to develop when they meet someone for the first time. Either the spark is there or it isn't.

Not that everybody jumps in to the water right away. Social and religious constraints can definitely play a role as to when a relationship becomes physically intimate, but it's generally pretty obvious early on which path the future holds.

Is this a person whom I might be interested in becoming sexually involved with, or is this just someone I wouldn't mind hanging out with? That's decided within the first two minutes.

@webbew1 See this is why too often guys get hooked up with the wrong woman. They don't bother to get to know her beyond the surface.
Take a page out of a woman's book, hey our clocks are ticking too and the shelf life historically isn't what a man's is, we don't want to waste time either which is why we want to know you better before taking the plunge out of "friend zone".
How are you under pressure?
When something throws a wrench in plans?
Something as simple as reaction to say, spilling something- is that going to ruin your evening?! If it would , does that mean after the dust settles into relationship-ville that sort of thing is going to ruin your week?

And on & on. It's not enough to simply have a a surface attraction and hope everything falls into place. If this is the typical M.O. of men no wonder so many complain that after marriage the sex stops, because women often lose their zeal for sex when angry, or tired from shouldering mundane things they'd like help with...

When a guy complains about a sexless relationship I always wonder what he did to piss the woman off so badly that she quit being attracted to him.

[I] had a rather pitiful 1st time "date" the other day with someone I consider a years long "friend" . It was so unfortunate, the vibe, that I doubt I'll ever entertain going out with him again....EVEN as a friend.

5

If a woman rejects a man, he sooths his ego by convincing himself that she wasn't much of a prize to be coveted in the first place. Then he tells her that she is lacking to satisfy his ego..

5

I think they are insecure and often times have an underlying hatred for women. Definitely not all men by any means, but ones who go from “hey baby” to “FUCKING WHORE” like 0-60. I think mean like that have mommy issues...

Oh yeah. This was really bad in my teens and twenties. I lived in a more urban area of my hometown and guys rolling up on you on your way to school, hitting on you then becoming verbally abusive or even following you was super common. Ugh.

5

Have you ever won/lost at something? Not everyone can chalk it up as a learning experience. I have encountered a woman or two that was not happy that my attentions were somewhere else. In fact women get very catty about it.

4

I'm wondering if perhaps this is an indication of the circumstances involved in putting them into the on-line dating market (I assume that is your scenario by your use of the term PM) in the first place? Perhaps they were jerks in their marriage and are resentful of being dumped. It's who they are, and more men are like that than women. I've had one woman do that to me who was incredibly irrational, but as @Deb57 articulates so perfectly below, I never really worried for my personal safety.

4

I don't know why the guys get mad....but their despicable reactions prove the girls were right in rejecting them.

4

Who knows what prompts people to do what they do. I have never gotten mad at being rejected. That is everyone's perogative. I will thank them, wish them a nice day and move on.

3

I’m sure it happens. But, I’ve not seen it.

In simplest terms, men (some) are insecure and take rejection as an attack on them. So, they react (immaturely) by attacking in return.

Not one of our finest traits.

May be it has to do with mommy tell you guys -always- that you are the best after spread butter?

3

I had a guy threaten to kill my mother after I requested a video chat. I had a feeling that I was being catfished, men can waste our time with lies and bs (not always, but it's often). We need to be smart and weed out the jerks. How many women sleep with a man and then get ghosted. So we take time to ask more questions and wait to see what kind of person they are. I tell guys straight up, I don't want to date if you have younger kids. Not each time, but normally, the first response to that is I need to work on myself, I'm ugly, or fat anyways. Well, why are you asking me out? That's what you get for saying no to some men ("some" men, not all guys act this way). Oh, if you don't have sex, talk dirty, or send sex picts they will ghost you, anyways. So...you are not alone. Reasons why, women might be expected to say yes to everything and everyone. If we can't say yes, we are a bitch. Oh well, life goes on! Keep your head up girl 💖

That is so freaking common. I had a guy threaten to rape me within an inch of my life when I didn't respond to his message online. I feel like real world behavior has been a lot better but online I almost expect to be abused.

3

One part sour grapes, one part the fragility of the male ego, one part lashing out because men are shown in our society that they're expected to be dumb and childish and aggressive so being dumb and childish and aggressive is acceptable. Plus traditional social rules governing gender relationships multiplied by the male perception of self worth tied to masculinity by way of ability to attract a targeted mate at will AND the overarching (toxic masculinity warning) insistence that a 'man' should be able to get what he wants, all he has to do is keep trying, don't take no for an answer, and Make. It. Happen.

That's a great point. It seems like many romance movies or romantic comedies hinge on a guy not taking "no" for an answer.

3

Disappointment that the time invested on interacting did not result in a semen receptacle.

3

If that kind of thing happened to me, and it has (I liek guys too), I just tell them they only just confirmed my judgement(s), that they are not really a good person or the kidn of peson I want in my life... even for one night. (add, edit or delete parts as appropriate).

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:39984
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.