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Were you able to remain close friends with exes? According to psychology if you could remain friends with an ex it means you either still love them or never really loved them in the first place. Agree or disagree and why

Kojaksmom 8 Sep 18
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I am amicable with my ex, the kids like to do "family" stuff and we get along while we're together. One of the kids asked me to make masks for him, which I did. I tolerate his presence, but I really don't like him. He is uber conservative and xian, and I am so totally not. I think over the 25 years we were married we grew into different people. I think I loved him in the beginning, I can't speak for his feelings, but we grew in fundamentally different directions. Did he love me? In the end I was in second or third place to his religion and his religious website and I certainly didn't feel like he did. One of the kids texted me a few days ago, asked what size Berks her dad wears, he asked her to ask me. Like after 10+ years I'm supposed to remember. Size 8, I think.


Of course I still love them, just not to the degree as when we were together. I realize that we are no longer compatable as lovers, but that doesn't mean there isn't still deep affection and friendship as well as a genuine well wishing for them.

glennlab Level 9 Sep 18, 2020

Same here. I don’t know how they can come up with such research results. It sounds subjective to me. I also remain friends more because I do not have much capacity for anger and grudges.

Yes I agree with you. It especially helps if one has an understanding of the different types of love. Beyond romantic love there is also friendship love and familial love and other varieties of love. So while one may not love their ex romantically, you can love them as a friend. I personally only have one ex as a friend as the others were either toxic or they did not want to remain friends after I broke up with them. The one ex I do not currently love him romantically nor was my love for him at the time fake. He was my first love and my first long term relationship in my life.


According to what psychology? Show me the study or the research and I'll tell you if I agree or not. Right now it seems like someone just told me X is Y because I said so and put the word psychology in my explanation.


Hell no. I left them for a reason.

freeofgod Level 8 Sep 18, 2020

"According to psychology if you could remain friends with an ex it means you either still love them or never really loved them in the first place."

I think that doesn't take into account a lot of relationship dynamics and the various ways people can, and do, change over time. Some people start as friends, then develop romantic feelings, and smoothly return to being good friends without any problems. I've known other people who didn't work as romantic partners after some time, but they had very strong connections in other ways and remain close friends and confidants. And some relationships crash and burn and there's terrible conflict at the time, but later they come back together and reconcile as friends. If psychologists deny that years of romantic partnership involved genuine love in these situations, then I think they have a very narrow idea of what love is.

resserts Level 8 Sep 18, 2020

I just want him to keep sending the lifetime alimony communication whatsoever unless a check fails to arrive (after 11 years he still insists on mailing it rather than direct deposit...the control freak from hell!)

AnneWimsey Level 9 Sep 18, 2020

Very good friends with most of exes

bobwjr Level 9 Sep 18, 2020

The answer is in if you have kids. That changes everything. If kids, many parents meet for children even to celebrate birthdays together. A separation is traumatic to children, no matter how nicely done they carry that experience throughout their childhood. Separated parents not meeting for children is weird to me. PLus I would expect parents to have some respect and gratitude to wards each other as a father or mother of their children. That is a huge thing. Must be if not. I am very grateful to the wife for making a great baby although I found out in the first week after marriage we were a terrible match. Then the baby came and it changed everything. The little girl started rolling, walking talking, jumping... and each time I saw her face I forgot my misery.

My stomach turns inside when I see single parents with little children.

I wouldn't call being in touch with exces in this case 'love'.

If no kids, I would expect them to be decent beings and show the decency to be acquaintances at least (say hi when meet, be open to phone calls and be a help if needed and if you truly can). We owe to at least ourselves to not have bitterness, vengeance in present or past relationships.

St-Sinner Level 9 Sep 18, 2020

Being amicable because of children is healthy and quite understandable , but doesn't really count.


Ok, in that being friends out of gratitude, respect, decency is good and we are friends but it has nothing to do with love.


I have had two relations in my life. One a 34 year marriage and even the the divorce is painful, we remain friends and were as kind and understanding as we could be through the divorce. We do family stuff together and get along great and can still talk about almost anything.

The second was after my separation and during the divorce, we lived together for 4 years, not all 4 were great, but to this day we are the best of friends and we make a point to see each other once a week. He is no longer a lover but I gained a best friend.
Both loves where very different but real, so I would not agree with that statement.


Still friendly with one ex-wife...I think we loved each other, but not very much. Still close to one ex-gf...we always loved each other very much, and still do....


I think it could go either way ... but, in the case of a person with a co-dependent nature, loving an addict from a distance is a matter of survival for both. In my experience, I did love and will likely always love from a physical & emotional distance a man whose self-destruction is deeply saddening to observe.

Soarfeet Level 7 Sep 18, 2020

I think some of this would depend on how long it took to separate from them , once you've given up on the relationship , and/or how violent the relationship was . It could also be affected by how they act towards you after the split .

Cast1es Level 9 Sep 18, 2020

You still love them. Only talking about substantial relationships - just because the relationship didn't work, does not mean that you suddenly stop loving someone.


Good question!!

I've had mixed feelings about those who've managed to "stay in touch" and/or "stay friends" with their exes.

I lost my first wife to cancer at a very young age....but am still in touch with at least 3 of her friends. My second "ex" was the only woman who I had a child while I "know" her I don't stay in touch...and consider her my son's mother more than my "ex.

Several ex's and ladyfriends later- I'm totally out of touch with each and every one of them. For better or worse, I've "moved on". Now I'm pleasantly alone - mildly horny....but at 75 that's fading as well.

Robecology Level 9 Sep 18, 2020

I have no contact at all with my ex. Unfriended her family on FB. Total cut off.

Detritus Level 7 Sep 18, 2020

Yes remain close friends and her family ,but do not think i really loved her in the true sense of the word

RoyMillar Level 9 Sep 18, 2020

It’s a “depends” thing. I recall having a going away party back in the 80’s when I left to travel Europe for a year. Including my current live in gf at the time there were 4 other exes at the party. And not just quickie hook up girls. One I had lived with for 3 years another for 4. Another was my high school sweetheart who I still talk to on a pretty frequent basis. Our last connection was a couple of weeks ago.

Of course a lot of time has passed since the 80’s and those connections have dissipated. My recent relationships have been much longer ( 8 years and 17 years) but I have always seen it as a sign that I indeed treated these girls with love and care during our time together.

As for my current ex, the mother of my children, there is much water under the bridge. I am not her friend but I remain friendly and able to deal with situations without being vindictive or overly hard to get along with concerning shared financial obligations.

Research??? Dunno. But in my life attempting to remaining friends has been the rule not the exception.

Davekp Level 8 Sep 18, 2020

I recently went through a rough break up. We are still friends. I still love him as much as I ever did. Not sure about his feeling.

Shell78 Level 3 Dec 5, 2020

Casual fb friends with one or two. Lots of time had passed.


I think it depends on how and why the relationship ended.

The ass hat who cheated on me... need not exist.

Other ex's ended mutually and I feel no animosity towards them at all. Each added to my life. For that, I'm grateful.

Sonja44 Level 6 Oct 23, 2020

My wife made life decisions I could not follow her into. I reluctantly filed for divorce after I could no longer trust her. "I" did not change, and her actions over the last 3 years have not improved that situation. We are friendly, can converse and share things we like. When we are in the same room, there is an awkwardness because there is still an emotional appeal that is there. But that is pretty rare, 3 or 4 times a year.

I lived through a bad divorce between my mom and my birth father.. and an amicable, but disappointed divorce with my mom and step father. I see no reason to be brutal, mean, or harshly disconnect. Of course I still care, and am sorry to see her life continuing to head away from mine. But such is life..


Both as it depends on why the breakup. One ex was (still is bi-polar) and I am still the bad guy to her. Another was alcoholic and disappeared 20 years ago. Once in a while I get phone calls from collection agencies looking for her. Preoblem was, when she was sober (5 years) she was a wonderful person and I was in love.

JackPedigo Level 9 Sep 19, 2020

Two of my exes are very special people, and yes, I love both of them. But in one case we weren't good at living together. In the other case, we weren't sexually compatible.

mischl Level 8 Sep 18, 2020
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