Were you able to remain close friends with exes? According to psychology if you could remain friends with an ex it means you either still love them or never really loved them in the first place. Agree or disagree and why
I am amicable with my ex, the kids like to do "family" stuff and we get along while we're together. One of the kids asked me to make masks for him, which I did. I tolerate his presence, but I really don't like him. He is uber conservative and xian, and I am so totally not. I think over the 25 years we were married we grew into different people. I think I loved him in the beginning, I can't speak for his feelings, but we grew in fundamentally different directions. Did he love me? In the end I was in second or third place to his religion and his religious website and I certainly didn't feel like he did. One of the kids texted me a few days ago, asked what size Berks her dad wears, he asked her to ask me. Like after 10+ years I'm supposed to remember. Size 8, I think.
"According to psychology if you could remain friends with an ex it means you either still love them or never really loved them in the first place."
I think that doesn't take into account a lot of relationship dynamics and the various ways people can, and do, change over time. Some people start as friends, then develop romantic feelings, and smoothly return to being good friends without any problems. I've known other people who didn't work as romantic partners after some time, but they had very strong connections in other ways and remain close friends and confidants. And some relationships crash and burn and there's terrible conflict at the time, but later they come back together and reconcile as friends. If psychologists deny that years of romantic partnership involved genuine love in these situations, then I think they have a very narrow idea of what love is.
The answer is in if you have kids. That changes everything. If kids, many parents meet for children even to celebrate birthdays together. A separation is traumatic to children, no matter how nicely done they carry that experience throughout their childhood. Separated parents not meeting for children is weird to me. PLus I would expect parents to have some respect and gratitude to wards each other as a father or mother of their children. That is a huge thing. Must be if not. I am very grateful to the wife for making a great baby although I found out in the first week after marriage we were a terrible match. Then the baby came and it changed everything. The little girl started rolling, walking talking, jumping... and each time I saw her face I forgot my misery.
My stomach turns inside when I see single parents with little children.
I wouldn't call being in touch with exces in this case 'love'.
If no kids, I would expect them to be decent beings and show the decency to be acquaintances at least (say hi when meet, be open to phone calls and be a help if needed and if you truly can). We owe to at least ourselves to not have bitterness, vengeance in present or past relationships.
I have had two relations in my life. One a 34 year marriage and even the the divorce is painful, we remain friends and were as kind and understanding as we could be through the divorce. We do family stuff together and get along great and can still talk about almost anything.
The second was after my separation and during the divorce, we lived together for 4 years, not all 4 were great, but to this day we are the best of friends and we make a point to see each other once a week. He is no longer a lover but I gained a best friend.
Both loves where very different but real, so I would not agree with that statement.
I think it could go either way ... but, in the case of a person with a co-dependent nature, loving an addict from a distance is a matter of survival for both. In my experience, I did love and will likely always love from a physical & emotional distance a man whose self-destruction is deeply saddening to observe.
I've had mixed feelings about those who've managed to "stay in touch" and/or "stay friends" with their exes.
I lost my first wife to cancer at a very young age....but am still in touch with at least 3 of her friends. My second "ex" was the only woman who I had a child with...so while I "know" her I don't stay in touch...and consider her my son's mother more than my "ex.
Several ex's and ladyfriends later- I'm totally out of touch with each and every one of them. For better or worse, I've "moved on". Now I'm pleasantly alone - mildly horny....but at 75 that's fading as well.
It’s a “depends” thing. I recall having a going away party back in the 80’s when I left to travel Europe for a year. Including my current live in gf at the time there were 4 other exes at the party. And not just quickie hook up girls. One I had lived with for 3 years another for 4. Another was my high school sweetheart who I still talk to on a pretty frequent basis. Our last connection was a couple of weeks ago.
Of course a lot of time has passed since the 80’s and those connections have dissipated. My recent relationships have been much longer ( 8 years and 17 years) but I have always seen it as a sign that I indeed treated these girls with love and care during our time together.
As for my current ex, the mother of my children, there is much water under the bridge. I am not her friend but I remain friendly and able to deal with situations without being vindictive or overly hard to get along with concerning shared financial obligations.
Research??? Dunno. But in my life attempting to remaining friends has been the rule not the exception.
My wife made life decisions I could not follow her into. I reluctantly filed for divorce after I could no longer trust her. "I" did not change, and her actions over the last 3 years have not improved that situation. We are friendly, can converse and share things we like. When we are in the same room, there is an awkwardness because there is still an emotional appeal that is there. But that is pretty rare, 3 or 4 times a year.
I lived through a bad divorce between my mom and my birth father.. and an amicable, but disappointed divorce with my mom and step father. I see no reason to be brutal, mean, or harshly disconnect. Of course I still care, and am sorry to see her life continuing to head away from mine. But such is life..
Both as it depends on why the breakup. One ex was (still is bi-polar) and I am still the bad guy to her. Another was alcoholic and disappeared 20 years ago. Once in a while I get phone calls from collection agencies looking for her. Preoblem was, when she was sober (5 years) she was a wonderful person and I was in love.