Agnostic.com
11 5

Sooo..
The ex and i broke up again, we didn't even make it two months this round..
Difference this time is we completely flamed out hard, like "lets not ever talk to each other ever again" type of breakup.

Comment from a friend (who knew me well) said to me "you really don't know how to be alone do you?".. this hit home pretty hard.
So i am seriously thinking i for once need to learn to live alone before i start dating again..
It will be interesting to see how long i can stick with it as i do have a pretty high sex drive..

hippydog 8 July 22
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11 comments

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1

Sorry about the rough breakup. Maybe it will give you pause to think about your friends perspective. There are advantages to being single as many will mention. I think the most important part of any choice is how healthy it is for you. Bad relationships will destroy you as will being depressingly alone. There are lots of good tips on how to avoid both.at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself. Follow your path as healthy as you can no matter what your choice. If you were observing yourself from a friends eye, what would your advice be?

1

I got so used to being single that I'm not navigating the dating scene very well. It stresses me out. After 20 plus years of not dating (really!) I decided to start back about a year and a half ago. Now, I'm in a place where I REALLY want a significant other. I want someone to cuddle with, talk to, have sex with, and share intimate details of my life with.

Cabsmom Level 8 July 23, 2019
1

You will find the sex part is not the hard part, it is the alone part that takes awhile to get use too.

1

I agree with your friend, you do need to learn to be alone. Invest in figuring out who you are and doing the things that fulfill you. I can't say you'll ever find a long term partner, but you will have a solid relationship with yourself which in the long run is the main person you have to be at peace with.

5

The "being alone" takes "getting used to" ...it's a matter of preferences...I'm totally happy with my level of cleanliness, style and quantity of food I eat, time on the computer vs time on the TV, work out prefs, etc. When she's here it's a compromise.

I've done that enough in my life.

I think my days of compromising to please a woman are over.

Robecology Level 9 July 22, 2019

Mine were over in 1983 .

I feel the same about men, or living with anyone. I want a relationship someday, just not living together.

2

There’s a 12-step group for Sex and Love addicts. Though the model is based on having a god, that’s not at all necessary for recovery. Sometimes it helps to connect with others who have trouble forming healthy relationships also. Just a suggestion .

Justjoni Level 8 July 22, 2019
1

You don't need to live with someone to have an outlet for your sex drive. If that's the only reason to have someone be with you, you have some thinking to do.

Mitch07102 Level 8 July 22, 2019

I should have said "be in a relationship " , not so much about living with anyone.

3

Do you have anyone who would consider being friends with benefits? I’ve been single almost 2 years now. I met my ex when I was 20 (I’m 45 now) and had 1 boyfriend prior to him. So this is basically my first time being and living alone. There are definitely parts I love and parts I don’t.

I too have a high sex drive. I refuse to date someone who isn’t right for me, just so I have someone. Hence the FWB to keep my sanity

Best of luck to you

Marcie1974 Level 8 July 22, 2019

Ive done the fwb thing before.. the "feels" always get involved.

@hippydog That can certainly happen...my experience hasn’t been that they always get involved but it does happen

3

Living alone and dating can be very liberating and fun. We often tell ourselves that we need a companion and must live with someone.

Try a new life by taking very good care of yourself, live life on your own terms, live for you, use money for you, travel, have good friends and date when you want..... IMHO

But taking a good care of your health and finances is important. That improves your options significantly.

St-Sinner Level 9 July 22, 2019
2

First of all, sorry you are going through the pain of breakup. I wish you the best in your grief process.

Secondly, I found this perspective helpful: [theatlantic.com] I'm not sure it's a bad thing to avoid being alone, nor do I think it is necessarily a good thing to learn how to be alone. When and where did we get that idea and how did it become popular? What, really, is the benefit of learning how to be alone? We are social creatures evolved to be in connection. I bask in it.

ejbman Level 7 July 22, 2019

I fought the idea for awhile, i initially agreed, we are social creatures. But now im starting to believe i need to heal first.

@hippydog There are lots of ways to heal. Not sure alone is the best one, but obviously, do what's best for you. Wishing you the best in any case!

@ejbman Interesting article. I never considered myself "not ready yet" to date after becoming a widow. However, after a few unsatisfactory dating situations, I have latched on to an interesting book called Attached by Amir Levine. It's about attachment theory for adults in or seeking romantic relationships. I hope gain insights on how to better define what is best for me/us.

@JGal I'm a huge fan of attachment theory as a way to explain and even transform relationships. I haven't read that book yet, but it's in my queue. Wishing you luck in your quest for what's best for you (all).

@ejbman
Great article! Thx for posting that.

@hippydog You bet! My pleasure.

2

Doesn't work celibacy sucks just date

bobwjr Level 9 July 22, 2019
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