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Speaking of real intimacy. It seems like it is hard for some people to handle deep emotions. There are various reasons for this I assume. I just don't see how it is possible to have a real relationship without emotion, real, deeply held feelings for another person and the ability to be present in the relationship. And it seem so hard for so many people.

GreatNani 8 Sep 16
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Some of it could be communication. The deep emotions are there, but the person is unable or unwilling to communicate them. It could be fear of the emotion, fear of the other person’s reaction, thinking they have to wait for the other person to say it first, or maybe they come from a family that doesn’t express emotion,
I’ve also met women who think a relationship is little more than an emotional rollercoaster ride. Once I figure that out, it doesn’t take long until the higher her peaks are the lower mine are. Yep, next. And I’m not even sure these were deep emotions, maybe intense.

CS60 Level 7 Sep 29, 2019

The inability to communicate, that would be it. And the fear of the emotion. And not ever having seen it modeled by family growing up. Thanks! This makes sense.

@GreatNani This is why we have Billy Joel’s Tell her about it
It might not just be the person trying to express their feelings, but it could the other person could be misunderstanding. Some people (me included) tend to understate things. For example, “yeah, it snowed a little” then proceed to send a photo of 20” of snow. If i’m doing that with snow or rain, I’m probably doing that with emotions.


I’ve referred to myself as an emotional midget before.
Trust issues from a dysfunctional childhood I suppose, I’m working on becoming more aware of my feelings, rather than suppressing them as I used to.

Haemish1 Level 8 Sep 19, 2019

Deep is relative

What you are perceiving as, for want of a better word, shallow may very well be as deep as that person is capable and/or willing to go.

Therefore, for them.. it is deep emotion.

You might make a case that those who are less wordly, educated and self aware do not "understand" the situation to the degree that someone with more wisdom and experience does.. but that does not negate the real depth of emotions that are being felt by the novice.. jealousy is jealousy, anger is anger, lust is lust, love is love.. whether or not they are aware of the consequences or ramifications of their emotions.. real tears are always wet.

Davekp Level 8 Sep 17, 2019

I think to many of us have been hurt so deeply in the past that we are fearful of showing our emotions, not that they are not there, but afraid of opening up that much and being hurt again. Than there are the ones that have been raised without their parents showing emotions toward them, so they never learned how to express their feeling. I would guess most would love to be in an relationship with deep emotions shared both ways, I know I would.

Yes the early family life has a big influence.


I learned that the hard way.

ChurchLess Level 7 Sep 17, 2019

This really has no place here, but, I spent a lot of time writing it so, please leave it up in case anyone dares to get to the end. I think one person's deep emotions are just another's passing thoughts sometimes. I am, or I was deeply passionate. Passionate to a fault. That passion was beautiful when it was met with equal passion. Glorious, euphoric, overflowing. But that passion destroyed my life when all at once, I found I was alone in my passion. More accurately, I destroyed my own life my life, my future, by chasing a passion that was fleeting away with every mile we were separated. I'd like to blame her but, It's me who found it impossible to bounce back. I haven't, yet. I discovered rather harshly that I am not resilient. To this day I marvel at the different ways people can bounce back. Mind you, I am aware of how minor this event is in the scheme of things and how trivial it is compared to others challenges. Because of that, I never speak of this. It's pathetic and....just pathetic. It is not remotely deserving of any empathy or sympathy nor a "sorry that happened". It's an "oh for Christ's sake, people have real problems" . I had no intention of writing this now......sleep deprivation. but I'm on a roll. It strikes me so odd because I fear nothing. There is virtually no challenge, no environment, no circumstance no ambition nor greed nor physical threat that frightens me other than fear of my loved one's being harmed of falling ill. I think it is because the "caring" part of me died 30 years ago. It's been 30 years and I still wake calling her name, often in a sweat. My lovely wife of 23 years by my side. I often have to go to another room. I can only imagine how much that would hurt her feelings. My mind is constantly replaying the night she picked me up from the airport. We went to her house and after five hours of trying to talk, it finally dawned on me to ask "is there someone else". I would have been really angry if she asked me that because I was true, true blue to her and although I was giving ample opportunities to cheat on her, and it was culturally expected I that I partake in sexual encounters, I never did...."Is there someone else?" "Sort of" she said. I immediately felt so bad for this guy, how could she do that to him? I said as much and I told her now you have to tell him I'm home. You've broken 3 hearts". She said "I'm not telling him anything". So, I threw up for a while. I ended my international work, could not go back. I was essentially bedridden for six months (all of this I am ashamed of). I've ceased many activities that brought me joy during that time we were together because it scourges up painful memories. I quit listening to popular music. I used to read veraciously. I have not read a book that was not related to my work since. I've tried, but the pages take me back to my time overseas when all I did was dream of her. Regardless of the printed words today, my mind floats back to my hut. I used draw, paint, cartoon and write and write and write. I've drawn one portrait in 30 years, that was a couple of weeks ago. I have not written one article (outside of work) or one essay, short story, poem or play for 30 years. I've tried so many times, so many times to write. I live where we met 33 years ago, so every landmark is a reminder of something we did there. Consequently, I think of her 20 or 30 times a day and she's there every night when I try to sleep and almost every morning when I wake (part of the reason I'm unable to sleep for 60 hours at a stent? I think the insomnia is more serious that her. Then, I think about what I gave up and how stupid I was to change the course of what could have been a tremendous life for me (or what I imagined it could have been) The end was probably within plain sight (as hindsight would have it). But I did not see it. I just knew I had to leave my overseas position and get back home. I was aware enough to recognize that she wouldn't make it another 18 months (clue 2).. She spent three weeks with me traveling in the country where I worked, it took all of my stipend to get here there. She was cold and distant. I excused it as being awkward from being away from one another from for a year and the profound culture shock she experienced. When she saw how I was living was scared to death and frightened that I was taking her on excursions I loved but she detested. I decided I could either have fun for another year and fulfill my commitment to my host country and lose the love of my life or get back home and get on with the rest of my life. I chose the latter and I was I flat lining in a matter of hours. Me, the invincible. On my knees, on my back. For months. So, I shunned passion from then on. The above described scenario has a lot more going on than wayward passion, but still, I have never felt passionate again and never want to, with the notable exception of my triplets. I found a woman I like, we get along well, but no, no passion. Just deep respect, admiration and a love that is binding but not blinding. Since January of 2018 I've been providing 24/7 care for her. There is no one else I'd rather do that for. But even with all this, and some tormenting issues in my past, that God Damned woman, puts me to sleep at night and more than not wakes me up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've seed 8 counselors, four shrinks; they haven't been able to help me re-frame this ridiculous little episode of my life and but they've tried. I need to catch a couple of hours of sleep now because I'm seeing one today before my insurance ends on the 30th. This was so poorly written but I'm posting it against my better judgement. remove if inappropriate.

Dingodog Level 7 Sep 17, 2019

Happy to leave it up. And glad you have your triplets!

@LetzGetReal I would love to paragraph but every time I hit the "enter" button to start a new paragraph, what I have already typed automatically gets posted. Do you know a way around that?

@GreatNani The joy of my life. If things would not have worked out the way they did, I would not have them in my life. They turned 20 last week. I swear, three weeks ago they were infants. Thank you.

@Dingodog Hold the Shift key down & Enter

@LetzGetReal It depends what you are using. I think it's the iPad that needs that. My Mac doesn't need it either. They do this just to screw with our head. Oh & I agree with the difficultly of reading w/o paragraphs. One never knows when to breath aka absorb the thought.

@LetzGetReal Or put in an abstract way, can a Unbuntu make love to a Mac?


I got hurt pretty badly at the first of this year. Walls up! I worked on me and started dating very casually just for the companionship and validation. No intention of getting close. One of the guys though (whom I met here! 😮) kind of insisted on breaking through. It’s been a process. It’s still ongoing. Him chipping away gently at my defenses; me slowly allowing him an inch closer then running 10 feet away. I’m over the hurt from earlier this year but the tiny child in my psyche sounds the alarm every time I get a little closer to the new guy. She and I both want a deep, intimate relationship, but she’s terrified. So, I, as the adult, have to do a lot of vetting of him and reassuring of her. And hoping I’m not reading someone wrong again or ignoring some red flag. It’s tough. It’s also just human. Pain is the signal something’s dangerous or harmful. Learning not to relive pain at the tiniest provocation is thwarting our survival instinct.

Thank you for sharing that. I can see some of it in me, and I was super happy with myself that I did not stay longer or press harder to make it work.

"Risk it all on one turn of pitch & toss,
And loss & start at the beginning
And never breath a word about your loss."
Rudyard Kipling


I can't unless we agree not to

bobwjr Level 10 Sep 16, 2019

A lot of time it stems from low self-esteem, fight or flight. This creates walls that are difficult if not impossible to get through. If you love the person enough, and show true acceptance of them. Some confidence building steps may become possible. I have such a person in my life and it has taken years, but there's a connection between us that is something neither of us can analyze that has us clung together through thick and thin.


Giving this some thought I guess my last relationship was deep + emotions with any negative one tempered by reason. Sometimes putting the success and being willing to let go of little things one needs reason. Too many emotions only get in the way, to me.

JackPedigo Level 9 Sep 16, 2019

Just so everyone can see, since I posted this in response to someone. My impressions are personal. Not from anything I have read. And I am not talking about hearts and flowers etc. I am speaking more to what it means to really feel a solid connection to another person. And not just in the romantic sense. People have all kind of intimate relationships. With parents, siblings, friends, lovers.

GreatNani Level 8 Sep 16, 2019

When you are posting in "Real Intimacy", most people here know you are not talking about love of a mother, father, brother, sister or a friend.


Wow; you're talking in vague generalities. Some people? Deep emotions?

Remember - we're agnostic...not just with religion, but with all aspects of alleged issues.

How about you tell us where you get your "impressions" from? A few links would help.....

Robecology Level 9 Sep 16, 2019

My impressions are personal. Not from anything I have read. And I am not talking about hearts and flowers etc. I am speaking more to what it means to really feel a solid connection to another person. And not just in the romantic sense. People have all kind of intimate relationships.


I am not an emotional guy but I can be a good provider, a strong, responsible, loving, fun loving, loyal, caring man, husband, father, son, brother etc. I am not tender, I ma not a guy for vanity. I don't write loving notes, cards, don't care much about flowers but will stand tall, protect, put food on the table and a strong roof over your head, will stay with you through thick and thin and treat you with respect and gratitude. But I don't care much about emotions or deep emotions and expressing them.

St-Sinner Level 9 Sep 16, 2019

Right but it does not go far enough in the world where we wrap ourselves with things we romanticize. That is why we have songs like... "You don't bring me flowers any more..." In the rest of the world, I bring you food, security and the real deal of durable love and commitment. lol

@LetzGetReal Good for them.


You must come from America or Western Europe...emotion is not so important in relationships for most of the world...

Absolutely right. Those guys can be found in romantic novels, poems and movies. If I were a woman, I would be looking for a good, real and strong man.

In the process, we often overrate the vanity and ignore the real person beneath it. A lot of vanity came from Europe such chivalry etc. It is considered totally unnecessary in the rest of the world.


It is a problem for lot of us especially guys I think ,,It is letting those deep feelings out to allow yourself that type of relationship,scared afraid ,but why,,mainly way we were brought up so many generations ago,,i know that is a poor excuss but it is all to real to allow ones self to be vulunerable,society and up bring, Mothers at an early age should treat there sons the same way they do there daughters ,so we know and can learn to easily talk about theses things with our fear of retrobution ,most of which is perceived but not real,,Not sure if I am on the right track here or not,,Thoughts?

RoyMillar Level 9 Sep 16, 2019
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