I can relate to many aspects of this post...and of the responses. I was married a lot longer than that, and monogamous until the last couple of years before separation and ultimately divorce. I felt I had more need for sex, or a greater desire for sex, than my wife.. but I'm not 100 percent sure. In the early years our sex life had been pretty good (from my point of view), but I now think she may have resented some aspects of what she did to make it work.

At the end of our relationship our sex life had all but gone away though...and I think that was pretty much the fault of both of us... but how it worked is that I could no longer be intimate and make it work with someone who I thought disliked most things about me...and I imagine that she had some similar feelings. I did find out, once I went outside my marriage, that there was nothing wrong with my libido or functioning, and I could be intimate with partners with only a minimal "connection".

I too felt depressed, perhaps partly because of the hopelessness I felt in my marriage. I came to the conclusion that I could not carry on, so I initiated separation and divorce. I felt my alternative was to cease to be. I'm guessing that I took my relationship a bit too seriously.

Prior to all of that we had gone to counselling a few times...but the way I saw it she always dominated the discussion...it was all about everything that was wrong with me … or things about me that might not be "wrong" but didn't work for her. I guess my story never got told, perhaps because I couldn't articulate it quickly enough.. She had this jedi mind control thing...she could distract me from anything I might say as she knew every button to push. Not necessarily maliciously...it was just her way of being right and righteous. Anyway...counselling didn't help.

And somewhere along the way the feelings of love and affection were drained away. And I had no optimism about getting them back, rightly or wrongly.

Anyway...back to the original post. I don't know that there is any easy answer to "when is it done?" I made my decision based on my understanding of the universe, etc. … that there was no sky daddy to judge me and tell me what to do... but that I needed to do something to take back control to keep from sliding into the abyss of depression and hopelessness. My wife was still an evangelical Christian believer...I had left that around 20 years ago.

In my own relationship I know our roles evolved a lot over time, and whether I ever "arrived" as the perfect partner I doubt. But I think I carried my share most of the time..in all of the practical areas mentioned. In the romance department...not so much. I don't do romance on demand very well. Or probably even without demand.

Some of the responses here seemed pretty judgmental to me... or perhaps just making assumptions of how many men treat their wives and assuming this was probably the case. I have no idea on that.

I guess my only suggestion is to try to move it back together if you want it to work. But if you're past that stage then you're not getting any younger...don't stay in the riptide because you'll drown trying to fight it.

You should be asking both a counselor and her all this. I can say for her point of view that she might not even know that you are feeling this way. I was married for 34 years and at 17 years my ex had a long term affair with a co-worker. His excuse was I did not see him as a lover anymore and our sex life was lacking what he needed. He never voiced this to me, just had the affair. Yes, we were not the kind of lovers we once were, but I thought at that point in our life the focus was our two daughters, 6 and 10 plus his mom was terminal and I was one of her care givers, I was a bit busy and tired. If he would of just came to me and told me how he was feeling maybe we could of made it work for both of us.
As for her only getting turned on when you are aggressive, some women are wired that way, they need a strong man. Or it could be something from her past that she may not even be aware of, this is where counseling could help.
Fight for your marriage, do not just through it away. You will know soon enough if it can be saved but don't walk out without trying first.

For me its the opposite literally I want a relationshup but she just wants flings...probs bc she came our of a 5 year relationship and a lot of heartbreaks...she feels she can trust me but she might be afraid of losing me?

Was there talk with her come to a equitable agreement,go your own way and stay friends if possible

You do not mention your age her age your children ages....all such factors are important one foot in or one foot out the door.... do you bring her flowers ? Do you know her favorite foods you could cook for her ? Marriage is not a license to fuck. Aging lovers need each other for many routines under one roof and holding marriage hostage for sexual variety is a poor claim for divorce....Do you launder the sheets and put mints on her fresh clean pillowcase???? Do you remember who kissed who first over 20 years ago ? Are you both Atheists ?? Did you have a church wedding????? Are your children experiencing puberty ? Are you setting a good romantic example for your children to observe????? Libido is not a diet ingredient measured by portions and who serves up the dish. A good man is not all about male entitlement
.....we need to be for our women not our expectations.....

You need to have a sit down talk.

Let her know how you're feeling. And perhaps look into couples counseling or sex therapy. (Possibly both).

Without knowing a lot more about both of you it's hard to know if you just have different levels of desire that can't be matched up - or if you have a larger dissatisfaction going on here.

It's even possible she's got medical issues going on that need to be reviewed.

After this much time it sounds worth it to get some professional help and than make a decision from there about whether the marriage is salvageable.

Talk! She might just permit an open marriage. Ethical monogamy is the term current. Life is too short for yearning. It is worth a try. Counseling is also an option. Don't waste time. Sometimes it is hormonal with women. Sometimes it may be that she is no longer into you or it. Good luck.

Have you had an open and honest communication with your wife? Often these types of issues are not openly discussed and people just bolt and leave before trying to address the problems... so many variables to consider is it biological and her hormonal levels are low and hence a lower drive? Is she exhausted after working all day and then coming home to clean the house/care for the kids or is she exhausted as a SAHM? Do y'all have date nights where you have intimacy and prime your brains to get in the mood? Is she going through some health issue like depression or post-partum depression or anxiety or another mental health issue that is decreasing her libido? Is she taking new medication or any medication that has the side effect of decreasing one's libido.

I'd recommend you suggest to her seeing a marriage counsellor or a sex therapist to help address your issues.

And yes, after 20 years in a relationship to expect to be desired the same way every single day is unrealistic... that's the honeymoon phase of dating and that level of excitement does not stretch out for years and years.

Does she feel unappreciated,unwanted and depressed also? How is your communication as a couple? Maybe that is what needs working on first.

If she is only responsive when you are dominant, she may be a submissive. Try watching 50 shades of gray or whatever together, just as entertainment, and see how she responds. But counselling may be a good idea.

Love of the well thought out comments and suggestions Here,Good Luck with your future path in life

It's a serious - and all too common - problem.

Two routes; Either ask her to go to counseling with you...or..

Let go lightly.
Wish her well...

Be firm - not loud, not angry, just firm.... in your resolve to set out on your own.

Don't use any bad language.

Don't rage/act-out in front of the kids...

ust tell her it's time for you both to part. No "down on your knees" no long "let's fix this" discussions.

My first wife died young...which set the stage for me ending a relationship if it wasn't working. I"ve since divorced 3 times....and have nothing bad to say about any of my "ex's"...I take at least 50% of the "blame" for the ending.

Ken Keyes Jr. has been a master to me....I've read many of his books. His strategy of "preferences vs addictions" and "hold on tightly-let go lightly" has worked many times for me.

[thriftbooks.com]

This is my story. I resolved it by swinging, going to swing cruises and clubs with other people even that I would much rather be with a good woman that was a good partner for 20 years.
Of course she is a woman and everything is "my fault". I also supplemented my sexual satisfaction with warm bodies of any species, (still did not have luck with an extraterrestrial) and manufactured ones. I worked for years to resolve this. Women are a species very difficult to satisfy for a long time, indeed.

There are a lot of issues here that could be addressed in counseling or therapy. People have offered good advice here, too. One thing I’ll add is that some couples get out of sync sexually when one person’s needs or interests change and the other remains in the old way of doing things. Who changed? Have you discussed it openly? Is she happy with the status quo or willing to work on getting back into sync? Are you? Good luck!

Sex doesn't start in the bedroom . It starts with how you make your partner feel all day long . For instance , I came home from my 40 hour a week job , cooked dinner , washed the dishes , and took care of the kids every night . My husband came home from his Post Office job , sat on the sofa , watching TV every night , until we left to go to his Mommy's house . So one evening , as I'm washing dishes , he comes into the kitchen and says to me , " You call this housekeeping ? " I suggested , since my hands were in dishwater , that he sit at the table and make a list of all the chores he does , then I'd tell him the things I did and he could write those down as well . Revelation to both of us . In the eight years we'd been married , he'd done very little , and I had an immense load of chores . He compared my housekeeping to that of his full time , stay at home Mommy , who'd never had a job in her life , and yet , he came to me just after I gave birth to our daughter claiming I needed to return to work immediately because he couldn't support me , a question I believe was from his Mommy . I asked him how much money we had in the bank - his reply , he didn't know . I asked him when was the last time he had seen our bank statement , again he didn't know . I showed him my check stub , and pointed out that the only job his Mommy would ever qualify for was that of a housekeeper . Sometimes , no matter how hard you work to please someone , all you get are rude , pointless , stupid comments . None of this made either of us feel good about , ourselves . It most certainly did nothing to improve the sex . But it also did not change anything . His choice was to maintain the status quo . In hind sight , it was the beginning of the end . SO I recommend to you , that you examine how you trat your wife on a daily basis . Do you dump all of the house hold chores on her , on top a full time job ? Do you dump all of the child care requirements on her , while pretending you're kind of the house and sit around doing nothing ? If she's exhausted from eight hours of paid work then another four to six hours of house hold chores daily , she's too exhausted and depressed to be enthuastic about your sex life .

Best to go for couples counseling. I see that some people have responded that it is not uncommon. If so, the best way to handle this is to find out why. You can't make an informed decision until you find out why.

Have you tried talking to her?
Some times the love, intimacy, desire (to use the words in your text) means different things for each person.
Maybe she is showing this to you, in the way she understands and feels it, and maybe you are not showing the way she would like to receive also.
Try to make this exercise, write down how do you show your love, desire and intimacy, and how would you like her to show. Ask her to do the same, and then compare the results.
And have in mind, there is no right way, so don't start the conversation as one of you is correct (and tell her to have this same approach).
Compare the desires, and what each of you do, and then find the areas where you are satisfying each other and the areas where you are not but could (just paying more attention or going out of default state from time to time), and areas where you are not and can't/don't want/would feel bad to.
Then look for solutions.

If you are afraid that this kind of conversation can slide to a fight, there are techniques to avoid fight in this complicated conversations.

fir example:
Have an object that represents who is talking.
The one that has the right to talk say an idea (avoid big speeches and the one who listens tells after what he/she understood. If the message is not understood, rephrase it or explain, and let the other repeat. If the idea is received as intended then the speakers continues with the rest of the idea , until the idea is finished. Then he/she give the object to the other and the cycle repeats.

Looks artificial but works if both want to solve problem and avoid fights based on misunderstandings.

Very common if that makes you feel any better. Would your wife be open to allowing you ethical non-monogamy?

Not uncommon unfortunately