Agnostic.com
14 6

For me, intimacy has always been connected with commitment. Lately I've been pondering what it means to make and keep a commitment to someone for the long term, or even for life. There are layers of questions and uncertainties I've encountered, but here's what I've come up with so far:

You can't ever have certainty that someone will stay in your life. They don't owe you anything. If they wake up on a given day and decide to stay with you for that day, it's a gift, something to be grateful for (rather than to expect or demand, for example based on promises exchanged in a ceremony).

The idea of making a vow to another person originated from old-world ways of life, religion and the patriarchy. Nowadays people believe in the right to change their mind, and patriarchal ownership of one's partner is (hopefully) on the decline thanks to secularism.

All that said, I still like the idea of starting out with an intention to stay together for as long as possible, or even calling it a life-partner commitment, or calling someone your life partner. Even having a non-religious ceremony of some sort seems meaningful to me. (I've done this in my last relationship.)

The idea of growing old together with someone really appeals to me. Once the compatibility is found and you grow closer, eventually deciding that you want to be life partners... I still haven't lost my idealism and hope that such a life partnership could happen.

But all is not fairy tales -- I've had my share of hurts and disappointments, as I imagine most of us have. And because intellectually I understand that "growing old together" consists of a series of decisions and moments, day after day, hour after hour -- rather than a decision made once and then followed blindly -- it still seems uncertain whether it will happen.

In some cultures in the world, divorce rates are much lower, and I assume this is because of tradition and patriarchy. Or is it also because people make more of an effort to stay together, versus the throwaway culture of Western society and modern city life? There's this idea that if something doesn't serve your goals, doesn't feel perfect in that moment, why not just toss that aside and move on? But there can also be value in sticking it out, if the relationship is salvageable. Once the idealization of your partner wears off, and you see them with all their flaws exposed, is it worthwhile to stay with them for the sake of continuity and reaching towards that goal of caring for each other into old age? (Assuming there's no abusive behavior, I mean.) How you would answer this probably depends a lot on your cultural influences.

Any thoughts are welcome; I'm just a philosopher at heart and wanted to include y'all in my ponderings.

(I'm also brand new to this site and newly single.)

WonderNYC 4 Nov 9
Share
You must be a member of this group before commenting. Join Group

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

14 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

0

WonderNYC, I agree that intimacy seems to be tied to commitment. The idea of growing old with someone seems to have come and gone for me, as I find myself suddenly 61 and realizing that I will probably remain alone and possibly unable to commit. Never married, backed out six weeks before I almost took the plug in my early thirties, with a six year old in tow. I was a single mother before it was cool. Raised my girl by myself. The only commitment I have ever kept. I do want one last chance at getting it right. Maybe there is someone out there who will love me the way that i have always wanted to be loved. Maybe I just need to put myself out there. Thanks for your post. It got

Celeste07 Level 2 Jan 2, 2020
0

WonderNYC, I ponder this idea of commitment as well. The idea of growing old with someone seems to have come and gone for me as I s

Celeste07 Level 2 Jan 2, 2020
0

I have also asked myself regarding monogamy and growing old together...... Its very complex and as you said, many layers. But i have to say in Ecuador we LEARNED SINCE WE WERE TODDLERS that monogamy is how it should be. Its not easy to edit out belief system and even though i do believe that as you said we do have the right to change and grow apart, sometimes i see myself speaking with my old patterns and expecting the everlasting love.

For me intimacy has to do with the capacity of allowing ourselves being vulnerable and open towards another human being. It can be sexual or just private conversations. I speak 4 languages... and i have learned that there are words that have same meaning in different languages but used in absolutely different contexts. 🙂

0

I like your ideas very much. I have been married and divorced 3 times. Each relationship had it's ups and downs. All ended because of my partner's abusive behavior toward me or my son. Leaving was hard. I did not do it lightly. But self-preservation wins in the end. The thing I missed most about each of them was the shared history. The things you just know about each other. The good memories. The times you worked together to accomplish something. Shared history is such a comfort. Not having to tell your story to someone else to make them understand.

mollygirl Level 5 Nov 11, 2019
0

Well also other cultures either divorce is illegal, divorce is shamed or highly discouraged for religious reasons, or women have very little employment prospects or are shunned from their communities as divorcees so staying together becomes about survival for them.

4

Welcome to the group. For me intimacy has to come with emotional connection. I need to get to know a person over several months first. Commitment is important for more practical reasons, one being sexually transmitted diseases and the other being jealousy. True commitment to a long term partnership can only come later after more months of getting to know each other better and spending extended time together to know if you can negotiate problems and get along over long periods. Communication and the ability to compromise is really important and not many people seem to be able to manage it.

I would like my next relationship to last for at least 10 years. Forever may be too much to hope for, and anyways we don't live forever, do we? I think that we have a throw away culture and people are to quick to abandon a relationship when things go wrong without trying to work things out with their partner.

It would be wonderful to live out some of the rest of my life in a secure loving relationship.

2

An old Finnish woman told me something when I was a teenager: A loose grip lasts the longest.

mischl Level 8 Nov 9, 2019
0

Yes having someone to grow old with, that would be lovely. I suspect that relationships in other cultures are looked at differently. Marriage is not for undying love/lust but more of a building a life together. With wider family included. And honestly, your partner can not fill every need. That is a mistake people make.

GreatNani Level 8 Nov 9, 2019
0

As you age temporary relationships are less attractive, never was attracted to that anyway, a permanent partner is preferable someone to grow old with. It takes a lot of effort to build a relationship but is well worth it if for nothing else the intimacy is awesome and comforting

bobwjr Level 10 Nov 9, 2019
0

For me commitment can only come with trust in the other person. Not necessarily trust that they won’t be unfaithful, but trust that they won’t lie and trust that they won’t leave and trust that they are going to work towards the relationship equally with me. Lust comes and goes (definitely nice when it is there). Love, respect and a history together are what binds the relationship. I look forward to finding my life partner...I have the capacity for the love...but there isn’t anyone in my life currently that fits the mold.

2

Intimacy to me means that I can trust someone with all my darkest deepest secrets and fears. There has to be a foundation of trust, affection, mutual respect, and dedication. I'd like my next relationship to last forever.

In most patriarchal societies marriage lasts because the penalties to the women for leaving the relationship are harsh. Most women will not leave their children behind.

People change all the time. My ex became far more conservative, started listening to Fox news non stop. I became more liberal, and when it became apparent that I was not first in his life, or even among the top 5 I left. He did not see anything wrong, nor did his church. When I left him I pretty much left the church.

I will never remarry, but I'd like a long term commitment someday. But at my age in my location I don't think that is realistic.

Can't comment on the location issue but 61 isn't too old to find a long term commitment. Other issues may be problematic though.

@MissKathleen I can see that.

@RonWilliam53 I won't move away from kids/grands and so I will stay in this Conservative xian backwater. My city is slightly more liberal than the rest of the state, but most folks self identify as Xian first and are suspicious of you if you don't.

@HippieChick58 I posted elsewhere that when we become People of a Certain Age, there are many things that tie us down to a specific place. As long as the trade-off(personal relationships vs. benefits of staying put) works for one, moving is indeed almost impossible.

0

While I can agree with what you've included , a part of a relationship that includes sex , is responsibility for any children that are produced because of the relationship . A part of a wedding ceremony includes taking lawful responsibility for the support and raising of children produced while in this relationship .

Cast1es Level 9 Nov 9, 2019

Assuming the couple wants or keeps any offspring they conceive, that is. 🙂 childfree is a growing lifestyle for many these days 🙂

3

I love the idea of growing old together. The biggest thing I learned from my marriage and divorce is BOTH people have to put in the effort. Both have to love, respect, and want to do the silly little things that keep the other person in love with them. Continue to woo each other. I know very few couples that are able to do that long term.

I’m already tired of not having someone and it’s only been 2 years. But I’m not going to settle for less than what I want just to have someone.

1

well firstly welcome!

I am a romantic at heart too and i hate feeling lonely. So i will be the one who tries to make things work with my partner and if she does the same then its going to last. Life is not a fairy tale as you say but we do need dreams and aspirations to work towards. When the dream dies so does everything connected.

Nardi Level 7 Nov 9, 2019
Write Comment

Recent Visitors 54

Photos 163 More

Posted by AtheistPeace666Hello I'm a single Canuck looking for my special lady Canuck.

Posted by KhaCRYou ever feel like you found the perfect sexual partner then he turns out to be a complete 💩bag and you can’t find the satisfaction in other encounters?

Posted by EntheogenFanI have a story to tell.

Posted by EntheogenFanI have a story to tell.

Posted by KateOahuYes, I agree that the reverse is also true.

Posted by JolantaThis is what women have to put up with and then they want to be intimate while we are still angry because they will not do their share of housework.

Posted by JolantaDucky, Snookums....

Posted by SorchaThis is a guy I was talking to from okcupid. He is totally new to online dating and it shows.

Posted by JolantaThat’s Amore. Some women are just far too shallow.

Posted by JolantaSomething for real intimacy perhaps.

Posted by Green_Soldier71Has anyone here had any experience with (or known someone who has/had) a SEXLESS MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP or a FRIGID PARTNER?

Posted by EyesThatSmileNakedness.

Posted by LetzGetRealMy family has often commented how I should become a "cougar"... as I look pretty good at my age and have a younger mindset than some of my peers, I guess this is there rationale?

Posted by Ann-1980The 4 types of Intimacy to feel sufficient, satisfied & healing in a love relationship.

Posted by Philip21over the top thinking? [agnostic.com]

Posted by DavidRussettI have been a widower for 2 years. I am very lonely. I am really looking for a relationship wth someone compatible with me.

  • Top tags#relationship #sex #intimacy #video #friends #religious #hope #religion #world #god #children #wife #marriage #book #kids #advice #death #reason #agnostic #beliefs #Atheist #hell #money #society #movies #fear #hello #Present #parents #belief #loves #Song #community #lonely #books #divorce #culture #humans #dogs #sleep #chemistry #Christian #college #soul #animals #sexy #philosophy #holiday #DonaldTrump #sexuality ...

    Members 1,849Top

    Moderator