As someone who is single after decades of marriage & relationships, I'm finding that it's just easier to have an arrangement with a close fried concerning sex, than to date. There's no BS, no games & everything is discussed beforehand concerning consent, so there are no surprises. I don't believe in dating assumptions. I'm not going to have sex with a guy on the third date, I might not on the 12th. That's me. I'm a huge believer in trust & honesty. I couldn't pick up a man, I didn't know, in a bar & then have sex with him. There are too many psychos out there, male & female. Does anyone else have a special friend that they have a special arrangement with & you keep it on the down low?
I've had fibromyalgia for 6 years & apart form the odd encounter, haven't had much confidence or success with women. BTW I think success is the wrong word or context - it's not a competition is it - I think I may have left my PE kit at home. I'm quite isolated but live in a lovel;y village by the sea. Everyone here seems to marrry young. So I guess my question is where do I go to meet like minded people of my own age?
I've had a few FWB's over my life and for the most part it worked well. Where things sometimes didn't work well is if the expectations of the relationship changed when one person wanted more or just different to the other.
It's something I;d like to experience again as it's certainly easier than the uncertainty of arranging hookups and the number of crazies out there who have no concept of consent, especially when it comes to safe sex.
I have a stable primary relationship and also play partners who are good friends. So does my primary partner. We also play with strangers sometimes (with lots of safety measures, of course), but we do that together.
It makes no sense to me to expect that one person will always fulfill all my needs and vice versa. Sure there is jealousy at times, but it's not too bad, and the benefits far outweigh the negatives. I also like feeling that I am secure enough to tolerate jealousy. It's a superpower.
I get the best of both worlds: I get to enjoy having close, intimate family life with someone who knows me and knows my story and vice versa. And I also get to enjoy the excitement of others I don't know as well, and also the joy of variety. It's very satisfying. I recommend it.
I've met and started dating women who told me they had a FWB, and that was the end of dating them for me.
I see no point in going through the process of progressing through the stages of getting close with someone who's going to stop by Johnny's house on the way home from our date for a quickie. No thanks.
I did...but age changes things...I was married for 53+ years, and at one point took a new job, running a small electronics store, working with the owners wife. He was a religious freak, she was trapped. I gained her confidence, supported her thru a divorce and building self-esteem...for the better part of 40 years, starting while she was still married, we were a clandestine couple...are still friends to this day, but the sexual part is now history...
Many including me are in the same situation as you. We are single trying to find someone long term eventually. As we try to accomplish that long term goal If we develop a mutual arrangement that benefits both without any harm whatsoever then more power to us. We have needs and sex is one of them. Good luck on your journey. BTW I have close family that lives in your town.
As with most things, limited opportunity for this to happen in my life due to my age. I put the effort in place a couple of times. Searched for an independent woman for friends with benefits to spend time enjoying activities in and out of bed. Took much effort just find the woman willing to agree. Two women came around after some compatibility found but did not take long before they wanted more of my time than I was willing to give. I really didn't have any problems with the possibility of something more but not at six to nine months into the arrangement. My experience, you don't really know who the person is for at least two years. You are right, crazy women out there as well as men. I would still like the opportunity. I have viewed the profiles of women here who live six ours away hoping for a similar arrangement. Weekends away is an appealing thought.
I try to go the route you're going and sometimes it works out for a time, but in my experience it appears to be more challenging for women than men to see it through. Of course, my experience is hardly scientific, so perhaps I shouldn't put too much stock in it.
I totally agree with you. I feel the same way about sex on the third date, etc. I do have an occasional FWB. We have a very unusual friendship/relationship. I care about him and he cares about me but, neither of us is interested in pursuing anything. Main reason for me is that I already know that he cheats in relationships and marriages. He's got a big ego and high sex drive so, he says that's what gets him into trouble. Whatever! LOL. Anyway, I'm fine with hooking up with him once in a while because I'm ok with being alone most of the time. It is just easier for me.
I think people can be in a romantic relationship with "no BS, no games and everything discussed beforehand". They just have to be honest and drama-free. Could it be you got a little "gun shy" after some bad experiences? No one can blame you for that! But getting "benefits" without emotional attachment just sounds a bit too shallow and superficial for me. Keeping an "arrangement" on the down low feels a bit sneaky. Just my opinion. But I was married for a lifetime (hers) and single for only the last five.
Yes... It is a great arrangement when you can find it. Sometimes you need some time without the pressure of everyone involved wondering "where this is going". There is constant upward pressure, as romantic partner play through the relationship script... Do you like me? Do you love me? When will they love me? Spend the night? Move in? Get married?
I think a different, and more meaningful relationship can develop when two people are fine with the relationship hitting a plateau. It can even be comforting knowing the other person isn't necessarily going to need more from you in the future.
This is the intimacy of the now.