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Why Romantic Relationships are not the Cure for Loneliness. | elephant journal
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Found this in the community and found it worth sharing.

Kojaksmom 8 Apr 26
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0

More from the same scientific paper:

"Bowlby suggests there is no such thing as overdependency or true independence; there is only effective or ineffective dependence (Weinfield, Sroufe, Egeland, & Carlson, 1999). The more effectively dependent a person can be, the more confidently separate and autonomous he or she can be. In general, Western societies have denigrated dependency needs in adults and exalted the image of the separate, self-sufficient individual. Feminist authors remind us that women are often pathologized for their focus on closeness to others (Vatcher & Bogo, 2001)."

from: Attachment Processes in Couple and Family Therapy, edited by Susan M. Johnson and Valerie E. Whiffen, Copyright 2003 by The Guilford Press., 72 Spring Street, New York, NY 10012.

ejbman Level 7 Apr 28, 2019
0

I think the article is wrong. I don't believe it is actually possible to be "okay with our own aloneness" as we are evolved to be social. We would have to contort ourselves all out of shape or make up imaginary friends. There are people with an avoidant attachment strategy whose attachment trauma has caused them to deny their dependency needs, even to themselves. But that is not healthy and not how we are evolved.

Here's a quote from a scientific paper:

"Contact with intimate others is the primary way humans have evolved to deal with anxiety and fear. Proximity to an attachment figure tames fear and offers an antidote to feelings of helplessness and meaninglessness."

from: Attachment Processes in Couple and Family Therapy, edited by Susan M. Johnson and Valerie E. Whiffen, Copyright 2003 by The Guilford Press., 72 Spring Street, New York, NY 10012.

ejbman Level 7 Apr 28, 2019
4

A romantic relationship, especially a loving relationship, can be a healing balm that gives some time and opportunity to work on one's problems, loneliness being one of them. This works especially well if the partner is in on the work.

mischl Level 8 Apr 26, 2019
0

I agree with the premise. I remember being in relationships that left me feeling very much alone and enjoying living alone for 15 years and enjoying it very much even though I was by myself.

Wrytyr Level 7 Apr 26, 2019
3

Great article... and I totally agree. Some people are lonely while they are in a relationship.....others enjoy their own company and being a singleton suits them well. 😉

Lavergne Level 8 Apr 26, 2019

yes i agree with you there..many are

4

I think a good relationship can surely help a person feel less lonely... a GOOD relationship.

However, the pursuit of a relationship at the cost of settling with the wrong type of person, can be detrimental. I could be in a long term relationship right now I'm fairly certain...but he wasn't right person for me personality wise.

Cabsmom Level 8 Apr 26, 2019
3

This shoe does not fit all

St-Sinner Level 9 Apr 26, 2019
4

Same here but had a loving relationship that did solve the loneliness it's a two edged sword and trade off being that really loving someone leaves you vulnerable . But finding that someone is worth the risk .

bobwjr Level 10 Apr 26, 2019
4

I'm a "marrying man"...married 3 times too many (4 total...1st one died young of cancer).

But I learned young to "hold on tightly - let go lightly" (Ken Keyes, Jr quote)....I have no regrets and good memories from "taking the plunge" as often as I did.

The end of our marriages...and the divorces... were as much my fault as theirs...I just never found "the one".

Now happliy single...in and out, and in and out of a 120 mile long distance relationship...works for me!

Robecology Level 9 Apr 26, 2019

LOL. Elizabeth Taylor used to say the same thing.....if she loved a man - she married him! None of that "living together" stuff for her! 😉

@Lavergne Her "Passion" is my "signature" scent. Did you know that she was the first celebrity ever to launch her own perfume brand?
I'm on my third bottle...Love and miss dear Liz...she passed too soon...

@Robecology I totally agree. She was always her own person - long before it was considered "cool"...

6

I was lonelier married than I ever have been single. When I was married towards the end I was lonely because he made other things his priority and we had no intimacy or connection. He didn't care about my feelings or needs. When I told him I was depressed he told me he didn't want to hear about it because it was so depressing. Seriously, that was his reply. Like it is catching. So, I found other friends, other activities and my own life. And I found I like peaceful solitude and no unwelcome visitors. I'm alone most of the time, but far less lonely.

When I married , I thought we were a couple . We were a threesome , with his mother being the firt position and no room whatsoever for me . She wanted to be the Mom , to the children I gave birth to , and worked to push me out of the picture .

@Cast1es You know that stupid question, "if both your mom and I were drowning which one of us would you save?" He answered his mom. His justification was that she was his mom. I apparently was chopped liver, not to mention the mother of his kids, but I think he believed I could be replaced. He also justified not getting a vasectomy because if I died he might want more kids with someone else. Never mind he was over 40 and thought the kids we had were keeping him too busy. I am amazed I stayed married sooooo long. And he has never even dated since we split. Which I think is a very wise move on his part.

1

you're fooling yourself if you think they are

TheDoubter Level 9 Apr 26, 2019
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