I'm learning a lot about real intimacy this year. I had a very intense 2-1/2 year relationship with someone who ran hot-and-cold and could never commit. I felt like it was something unique being "done to me," but I've done a lot of reading since and realized she's a classical "emotionally unavailable" person. It's kind of messing with my head that it could seem so real to me. How have others dealt with the aftermath of such a relationship? I'm afraid it's going to make me wary and emotionally unavailable myself going forward.
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8 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Haha! Yes! I’m both profoundly extroverted and deeply wounded. It’s a constant “come here... no back off...”
brainyactress
Level 7
July 2, 2019
1
That sounds exactly like what I experienced. Sad how difficult it can be to really connect.
I wonder if inner child healing work helps me to love myself and heal so I don't isolate and pull back, but I can lean in. In other words, those that don't love themselves can't really receive the love from someone else. They don't really believe it.
Of course I read all of the comments, and I must say there were some jewels of wisdom dropped, some sad things revealed, but as one comment mentioned that’s life . It always comes back to you/ us . We get to choose how we feel about our experience, no one can take that away. The most important question: Why do I allow it ? Once you listen and accept the answer, then you can make the change of you choose . Simple solution but not always a easy question to ask . My best wishes for you.
Outsideit67
Level 7
July 2, 2019
0
There's a reason people say to take it slow. You need to get to know someone before jumping in bed with them especially if emotional connection is important to you...
Cutiebeauty
Level 9
July 1, 2019
6
That person who "can't commit" is invariably suffering from prior damage. Your challenge is to not let her problems cause you lasting damage.
mischl
Level 8
July 1, 2019
5
I agree with your observation.
It's difficult to form trust. I'm open to finding another partner but I don't miss having one. The emotions are exhausting! I'm not sure I've got the energy for all that and that makes me think I may be emotionally unavailable. Hmmmm.....
I’m damaged, no doubt. I attract other damaged people, perhaps because they sense I’m not easily going to ever commit again, at least not long term. I can handle short term monogamous.
When another person has thoroughly broken your heart, yanked it from your chest, stomped it flat, then waved it in front of your dying eyes: yeah, tough recovery. Hyperbolic, yes. But it’s kind of the way I felt last time. Decimated. Why try that again?!
@CarolinaGirl60 Oh yes, I've been there. But then, there are advantages and benefits to having a partner--so you're damned if you do and worse damned if you don't. One trick I learned was to set limits. Which means, yeah you can betray me and hurt me, but only so much. For me, it was an adventure in self-development and building my self-esteem. So far, it more or less works--most of the time.
Halo Carolina. Never ever give another person so much power that he could "DAMAGE" you. Yes, all of us accumulate some scars, that is called life. And monogamy is a little death. I would never agree to monogamy.
Only if we have experienced the highest lows we can recognize and identify the highest highs
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