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UPDATE: Apparently, my friend and I had a massive misunderstanding. We are friends again - yay! Still wondering about the elusive chemistry, but time will tell. So glad we finally talked it out!

I am over 60 and continue to be confounded by this mystery called ‘chemistry.’ It’s especially difficult in modern times, meeting and trying to make connections online. Things seem to be clicking along well, then in the F2F, which sometimes takes a long while to happen, a lovely (cyber) relationship just doesn’t have whatever spark you may have anticipated.
In a recent experience, I lost a dear friend because I didn’t feel right becoming sexual with him. He was hurt and called me selfish. I understand the hurt, but is expecting some chemistry really selfish?? Seems to me, expecting sex is more problematic. How about you? How important is chemistry in intimate, sexual relationships? Have you ever had a good relationship that lacked it?

Justjoni 8 July 22
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14 comments

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0

Alcohol or mdma is a good chemistry reagent, so I have heard 😂

Spongebob Level 7 Aug 17, 2019
2

LOL he also sounds entitled. You did not owe him sex. Sadly it worked out better online than it did in person. I have been on the receiving and giving end of that-- especially if a person posts a super photoshopped pic that looks nothing like them!

3

I've lost friends simply for crossing the line into a physical relationship that I knew didn't feel right. You did the right thing. A real friend would understand and respect your decision. You're not the selfish one.

Unity Level 7 July 23, 2019
2

He hurt himself and you are not selfish.....male entitlement feelings are the problem in our patriarchal theocratic society....world wide it causes honor killings rape and sex trafficking....making online friends are only that....typing words not declaring ownership of your vagina.........when boys get it that women are the only decision makers in sexual contact....A man asks and she answers....If she asks someone to be her lover....the answer is equally yes or no.....resentment and verbal retaliation for honest answers is a big problem reflecting back upon the manipulator not the questioner....zero people EVER have the right to demand sex even in marriage....if a guy could get pregnant or get cervical cancer FINALLY he would stop demanding "selfish" women submit to his penis feelings

2

I guess it depends on the level of chemistry you require.

hippydog Level 8 July 22, 2019

How does one measure something so difficult ti even define?

@Justjoni do you want to rip their clothes off at any point?

2

Chemistry isn't optional where I'm concerned. If the chemistry isn't there, the equipment doesn't work right. I know that a good male porn star has to be able to get hard on command. Well, I'd never make it in the porn business.

mischl Level 8 July 22, 2019
2

I don’t get turned on without chemistry or sparks, or whatever you call it. If I’m not turned on, why bother? I can masturbate with less trouble, than try to force a sexual connection that I don’t feel. More than once I felt attracted in talking but in person, was turned off and the spark was not enough to carry through to sex.
It’s not a matter of blame or fault, or either person being selfish(usually: especially a new partner)...sometimes it’s just not there.

3

I am still debating. Last year I found myself with a very good family friend...nobody I would ever dream of being intimate with. I thought, what the heck. He has always been sweet on me. I was totally surprised! Best sex ever. And because we were friends there was a different kind of respect and intimacy. A very relaxed relationship. I see him maybe twice a year, but for a full time partner? I would definitely need the spark/chemistry/etc.

1

yes chemistry is definitley required for long term or even to start feeling emotional about the person ,But with friends with benefits you need to like and respect each other ,but do not need a true emotional contact ,

RoyMillar Level 9 July 22, 2019
1

Good chemistry and there are fireworks.No chemistry and there's possibly friendship. Unresolved chemistry like your issue) and there's generally adios.

1

No chemistry and it's over. Unfortunately your suitor wasn't a gentleman.

EdEarl Level 8 July 22, 2019
3

I think sometimes chemistry can build. Sometimes it takes time.

GreatNani Level 8 July 22, 2019

What do think is a reasonable amount of time for latent chemistry to unfold?

@Justjoni good question. I don't know. I do know people who have known each other for years and then one day, boom! They feel it. Chemistry is a weird thing.

1

I think chemistry is just liking to be together for the things we want. I can be temporary, permanent or just an arrangement. I heard a man telling me that he found a perfect woman. They are just like twins, so much alike. After 6 months, the twins were not together.

St-Sinner Level 9 July 22, 2019
1

Yup no chemistry so it didn't go further

bobwjr Level 10 July 22, 2019
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