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I’d like to hear from those of you who have a FWB, or have had one in the past. I’m curious, and have so many questions. Were you “just friends” at first? How and when did the benefits start? Did you talk about adding benefits, or did it just kind of happen? Have you ever fallen in love with your FWB, and if so, then what happened? If/when you get into a relationship, do you still continue your FWB? Also, what are your thoughts about having a purely platonic friendship with a person of the opposite sex? Is it possible, or is sex always kind of lurking somewhere? (For purposes of this question, I’m talking about straight, binary cis people.)
#friends #fwb

nomorechristian 6 Sep 2
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1

I have had several friends with benefits. Most start as friends first. The important thing is to be honest and upfront. I had lady I was friends with for over a year. I never tried anything sexually because I did not think see would be a FWB type and I did not want to mislead her. We went to a college football together one night and see drove. We got back to my house; I went to the bathroom and came out she was standing in the hallway wearing wearing just her bra and underwear. We went into may bedroom and had sex. The next morning I asked her what changed her mind. She said her oldest daughter talked her into it.

B1head Level 4 Sep 8, 2019

So since you asked her what changed her mind, it sounds like it's something that you had talked about with her previously. It wasn't just that you didn't "think" she would be a FWB type.

0

My Definition of FWB

What is Required?

  1. Friendship
  2. Trust
  3. Physical intimacy (as defined)
  4. Financial help - travel, restaurants, entertainment, memberships, subscriptions or as defined but to legitimate causes
  5. Exclusivity if negotiated and agreed upon

What is Not Required?

  1. Emotional intimacy
  2. Strings attached of any kind

Who wants to Talk? Men Need Not Apply... Lol

St-Sinner Level 9 Sep 3, 2019

@Doraz Yeah, #4 makes it sound like a sugar daddy type of arrangement. But to each their own, I suppose.

"What is Not Required?
Emotional intimacy"

Im curious on how you define emotional intimacy?
And where you would consider that 'line' crossed. ?

0

If we define FWB as strictly sexual, without a established relationship outside of sex dating, several times. IMO, the greater the passion the more likely feelings towards the person will increase. Conversely, if the sex is blah, then the plateau is pretty low for the relationship. Now, I have observed that there are some married women who set up a purely sexual relationship for various reasons (see Ashley Madison).

That is the definition of FWB since there is no future in those relationships, typically ( does not make any easier for those involved). A friend of mine was told by a divorced female friend in retrospect she should have simply opted for an affair. As far as falling in love, well IMO you can totally have a case of "right person, wrong time".

I think what you are describing are fck buddies... I take FWBs to mean the two people are actually friends or can be friends and engage in friend like activities outside of sex.

@demifeministgal Sounds about right. I think both are viable options.

2

We were friends. We had a sexual attraction to each other. No discussion happened until benefits were found to be mutually beneficial. Neither of us was looking for a relationship. Things were great for awhile. One of us developed feelings that the other was not prepared to reciprocate. Platonic (opposite sex) friendships are possible when both people are on the same page about remaining friends and not becoming lovers.

0

Sorry I have blocked most of the sexist boys here wanting FWB.....OUR nurturing species and our Feminist Atheist birthrights just don't seem to fit FWB girls&boys.....recreational sex sounds like the NFL with condoms and cheerleaders to me...your questions seem rhetorical towards illiterate boys only counting inches and notches on their woodies....what ever happened to courtship and marriage growing trust and families together? Are weddings just another cast off church tradition for Atheists wanting FWB ?

0

Right after breaking up with my 2nd partner a woman expressed in interest in dating. We were in a group together and did lots of events and finally got together. I liked her a lot and she I. She lived and worked in another town about an hour away so we often got together on weekends. She wanted a commitment but I was not ready (I did say as long as we were together she would be the only one but she wanted more). She was stable (finally), intelligent and physically pleasing but I was not ready. We agreed if one of us found another we would tell the other and we would back off and she did find what she was looking for (until she caught him in bed with her sister). We stayed friends and occasionally I hear from her. I am certain if we had stayed together we would still be together but my life would be completely different.

1

I have not had that type of relationship so the responses are interesting.

GreatNani Level 8 Sep 2, 2019
0

I never had a FWB but I am open and would love to learn more. I am assuming FWB does not mean just platonic.

St-Sinner Level 9 Sep 2, 2019
2

I have lots of platonic, close friendships with men, some of whom are married. We do not hang out without their wives or partners present, even though there isn’t mutual attraction. I’ve experienced a wonderful FWB relationship but it requires being on the same page in terms of the no-strings part. Our agreement was that if someone with dating potential showed up, the FWB part would convert immediately to an occasional check-in text.

UUNJ Level 8 Sep 2, 2019
1

Lot of questions...have had two FWB's, one was a long time friend before we started to play together. No more. She returned to Europe...other one, we found each other on the good old CL...was supposed to be strictly physical, but something developed with her and I had to step away.
When we were at our best, was a very happy relationship for both of us.

0

The whole fwb is confusing from the get go..
You can't even find a good definition of what it actual constitutes..
My opinion.
Either your in a non monogamous relationship, or your in a committed relationship, or its a one night stand .

hippydog Level 8 Sep 2, 2019

So what do you call one with benefits. Isn't the term there for a reason?

@St-Sinner a sexual relationship.

@hippydog What if FWB is involved?

It’s only confusing if both parties aren’t on the same page before anything begins.

@Hazydays It's also confusing if there is a lack of open and honest communication... if one is catching feelings and says nothing even if you do periodic check-ins with them, then things can get complicated.

@demifeministgal True. Then it is no longer friends with benefits and it has turned into something else for the other party. Time to abandon the benefits and hope the friendship can remain.

@St-Sinner "What if FWB is involved?"

?? Benifits, is just an embarrassed way to say SEX.
Fwb is a friend that you have sex with.
How is it any different than any other sexual relationship?
Ergo , its a sexual relationship..

People just don't want to admit that they could be in a sexually open non committal relationship because thats frowned upon by general society.. so they came up with this cutsey term fwb to some how make it seem something it is not..

@hippydog Money is not a benefit for sex and friendship time together?

@St-Sinner money?
I would say if you are friends (and that conez with that) .. having sex. And your finances are in any way connected.. you are in a full blown relationship.

@hippydog ..Even if there is NO emotional intimacy, commitments or other strings attached? How is it a relationship and not just an arrangement?

@St-Sinner "Even if there is NO emotional intimacy"

Almost impossible to never happen in the large majority of humans.. one night stands, sure.. but an ongoing connection with someone you consider a friend? Emotional intimacy to some degree WILL HAPPEN..

"commitments or other strings attached?"

Your religious upbringing is showing.. 😘
A relationship is not defined by neither commitment nor "strings", but simply by the fact its ongoing..

If your friends with someone and its completely non sexual, its still a type of relationship..

The primary reason i say ANYONE you are fucking should be treated as a relationship, is simply because stds and emotions are a thing, and we should be careful around that shit..
And not pretend its something else. At the minimum be honest about it..

0

There have been a couple, one I met on a site OKC, many shared interests and it developed quickly. when I began to get invested as in a relation ship she ended it quickly and wanted no more contact.
The other main fwb relationship that lasted for any length of time was a friend we just kept getting closer. It ended due to some Poly metamour issues that didn’t really effect our friendship that much.

1

Ask a swinger!

zesty Level 7 Sep 2, 2019

???

0

Not had an FWB.

EdEarl Level 8 Sep 2, 2019
2

Never fallen in love with a FWBs, though I cannot speak for them. 😳 There is an understanding when either one of us becomes exclusive, the FWBS has to end and we can be platonic friends or acquaintance or whatever. I have had purely platonic friends in the past and my best friend currently is a straight guy. IT definitely helps if there is no attraction from one or both parties. Or, if there is attraction on 1 end, he or she has to be okay with the fact that you two will NEVER date or be intimate no matter what. I have strict boundaries in place with male friends, not because I think things are destined to happen, but to not confuse or lead them on. When I decide to be someone's friend, that is it. No dating. But guys can be damn finnicky... you tell em it is not serious or they are a rebound or be very explicit and they still think they can sway you or make you fall for them... meh

Of there is no chemistry, platonic friends forever makes sense. I assume you have chemistry with FWB, but for some other reason exclude them as an exclusive mate. Am I correct, and please explain nuances you may be aware of. Thanks.

@EdEarl good question. Those of you who have had a FWB, (@Taladad @Gonzogopher) did you feel a certain chemistry with them? What is the reason that your FWB was not a "relationship" or mate?

@Taladad why did you choose to define it as FWB only? One or both of you just did not want any commitment at that time in your life, or what? And when you say you were good friends, what did being good friends mean? Did you have shared interests, enjoy spending time together other than just having sex?

@EdEarl Yes there is an attraction to him and a friendship even... but he has flaws which are dealbreakers for me and while the intimacy is nice, him not being to work on those issues within himself, makes any potential relationship impossible. An example of a flaw being bad communication skills so that any attempt at conflict resolution becomes like pulling teeth and ultimately futile.

@demifeministgal Oh yes, Lack of conflict resolution skills are, or should be, a big red flag, regardless of whether that person has a silk tongue or rapier.

@EdEarl @EdEarl well I am human and I don't do one night stands nor am I interested in the hookup culture... soo I shall stick with my FWB for the time being tyvm 😉

@demifeministgal I didn't mean to suggest that you change in any way. I think you have seen that flag, and have acted accordingly.

@nomorechristian to answer, very different people, the first was a much younger woman who just wanted a sexual partner preferring older men, but was clear she didn’t want a “relationship”. In the second it was more true polyamory. So it was a real relationship by any standards but the Benefits part was sort of a side thing, the friendship was awesome.

2

I realized early on I am not a FWB type of person. I have found that it doesn't usually mean friends, it means convinience, and usually his. I decided I am an all or nothing person. I may be alone but I don't feel short changed.

@HippieChick58 thanks for your response. As I'm thinking about and exploring my sexuality post divorce and post religion, I'm wondering if I'm an all or nothing kind of person, or if I have the interest or capacity to explore FWB. I thought this would be a good venue to ask questions from people who've "been there, done that." So did you actually have a FWB at some point? And it didn't meet your needs? Do you think that if the person were different, that it potentially could have met your needs?

@nomorechristian I tried FWB a few times, but it was short on the friends and mostly for his benefit. To me friends means hang out and enjoy each other's company. To him it meant show up, chat for a few/watch TV, and get laid and be gone. I felt used. I don't know if men and women can be "friends", at least my definition of friends. So I don't go that route anymore. I don't think you're a good lover if you're concentrating on getting your rocks off so you can head out the door. I can take care of my own needs for release, but I craved the contact with another human. That didn't work out, so I am wiser for the pain.

@HippieChick58 thanks for explaining. I agree with you--I wouldn't call those guys "friends." They sound very selfish, and I would have felt used, also.

@HippieChick58 that doesn't even sound like a FWBs situation that sounds more like a fck buddy... I agree with your assessment that friends need to be able to hang out and enjoy one another's company OUTSIDE of sex.

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