I have a dilemma:
Is there a solution here??? lol Am I the only one in this boat??
There are 7 billion people in the world with almost half are men.
Don't lose your principles while pursuing what you want. There are good men out there. Increase your outreach. I am sure there is a man right for you out there. Good luck.
I always wish you well and only you can decide what you want and what person you want to be. However, I have had these questions about man and woman relationships in the modern world.
None of the questions is related to you. They are in general for men and women who have gone beyond starting and raising a family. I am not talking about young people, young love, dreams and plans to start a life together.
Why is it that a man has to always be more than a good friend? Especially, when the man is nice, a gentleman, treats you with respect, is a great company and sometimes you both have sex to make each other happy?
Why sex is always with strings attached? Why can't a woman and man have separate lives but be friends who can travel together, spend time together such as on a nice dinner, concerts, movies, coffee and also for an open chat on a variety of topics and have sex?
Why monogamy is so very important in the modern world? Why can't a man or women be non-monogamous and great people at the same time?
I can speak for me and some men I know, not for all men. What makes us nervous is that a relationship with a woman - sexual or platonic will always lead to complications, the woman will expect more time, romance too, possibly commitments, may be financial help because of our belief that a good man cannot have sex with a good woman without a commitment... are the things that worry men. I am sure women have concerns too about men.
I think some of our frustrations come from we being caught up in the old belief systems such as monogamy, marriage, commitment, man becoming a provider for the whole family for entire life etc. I think many of these ideas are dying slowly, the institution of marriage is becoming irrelevant, people's sexual preferences, same sex marriage are not taboos any longer. I am sure our next generation (who is in early teens now) is going to lead a very different life than we did ours.
For me, I am heavily leaning towards becoming a man who is open, honest and will meet different people from all over the world. I will remain a gentleman, will not take advantage of anyone, be respectful, will be a trustworthy companion at any time but will not give in to a commitment, unreasonable expectations, and will not be tied down to a place, or a relationship. I want to live a life that is not mired into old belief systems and taboos.
None of this is personal. I am throwing my thoughts out there for discussion.
@St-Sinner i just read this and will reply more later. I can understand where you are coming from. I don't condemn casual sex or friendship sex. Its just that for me its like being offered a warm beer on a hot day. I mean it's still a beer but '' probably want to put it in the freezer... just saying
@St-Sinner Okay Im back. I would relate this in some way to hormones. I have discussed this with a male friend of mine in the past because I KNOW that I am sexually frustrated and want a partner but I am also completely turned off by the idea of friend sex just for sex. I say this and then i back off a little...because MAYBE I could but it would be a delicate situation. Also part of me realizes that my current plan is not working and maybe I should reevaluate. He says I am de-evolved. Well then I need to evolve I just don't know if I can. Men seem to think I want candlelight and saxphone music and their face in my privates for a long time and then suddenly I will have this magical switch flipped and that's all it takes. No. For me just no. For me I know I want the relationship but not just any relationship...one with mutual desire for each other. So if someone approached me wanting fwb I would most likely tell them no and we can just be friends. Some deep part of me is holding out for the real damn thing. I don't know if it will ever give up. Sex to me is intimacy and I don't just make myself vulnerable to anyone.
I use a vibrator, has been my stalwart companion even when I was married....
I want to say thank you for listening to me vent. I believe listening to the negative as well as positive thoughts and ferlings is very important in making the correct decisions for yourself. Im not afraid to do that or talk about it. This place is my only place i let myself say and feel what im really thinking as the rest of my life and time is spent adulting and focusing on being positive and productive, etc.
I know you do not like Fuck buddys ,but a lot of Fuck buddys do put the extra effort into making sure the lady is fully satisfied, in as many different ways as possible first over his needs and that usually means intercourse is at the very end
That's a really difficult situation... If I were in your shoes, I'd look for a man who is going through the same things ... Or at least look for a single dad... A man who takes care of a child is more sensitive and less dog like just my opinion... Good luck..
That might be true. It means that a man is used to thinking about somebody other than himself 100% of the time. However, I have known men who are parents who are even worse than men who are not.
Hey Laura.. long time no hear from.. or maybe I've just missed your posts.. Don't know if I can help you with your dilemma but. I can identify with..
#1 as I am a single dad with a nonexistent social circle because of shift work.
#2 because I am somewhat "pent up" as you put it..
#3 because any hookup or 1 night stand I've had in my life has been awkward and ultimately unfulfilling
#4 I am 58 and time is definitely passing faster it seems
So in light of our similarities here are my thoughts.. for right or wrong.. take with a grain of salt.
#1.. listen to the part of you that wants to be alone (at the moment.. not forever) It's hard to be and attract sexually warm and receptive (you know.. normal human like ) when frustrated on the inside. In my experience if you smell of desperation and confusion the good people will run and the vultures will circle. (however.. after a while even a vulture would be a nice change of pace.. bwahaha )
#2 I dunno.. just try to get better at self pleasure I guess.. no other suggestion as I don't know your preferences and tastes.. I've branched out with role play and texting.. or "sexting" with long distance partners I've met on different dating sites. Definitely not as intense as the real thing.. but it's not completely devoid of interaction so has some value to me as a "relationship"... such as it is.. I may be the only one in the room but I'm not the only one in my head.
#3 I think you are mistaking "fuck buddy" for someone who genuinely cares about your larger needs as a partner in life. They are not the same.
#4 Watching the clock is self defeating. It seems all that happens is we see time pass and become more anxious about the time passing.. and so on.
And no you are not the only one in this boat but you are the only one who can find your solutions.
So that's it. Wanna talk further about stuff.. give me a pm.
You're not alone, I'm in an almost similar place. I'd like to be in a relationship, but I've got other things pulling focus right now. I'm also not comfortable with anything casual, it's just not me... FWB, possibly, I did have one nice experience, but I know I still have to have trust and open communication. I'd even thought about approaching a male friend, but right now there's no one I could consider... So, it's mainly been self-pleasure, but I'm also not looking at that as a consolation... I would suggest for you to try it again -- experiment, see what works for you... The way I look at it, that whether or not I'm with someone, exploring and appreciating my sexuality just helps me feel better about myself... My body right now also feels kind of broken (residual pain and fatigue post-cancer), so whatever I can do to "take care of myself" is reassuring and healing.
What about a FWBs? And you have communication as an adult with said friend and explain to him that you BOTH need to get off for this arrangement to work. Heck sometime even spelling it out to a guy exactly what turns you on has to be done. Now whether they are willing to take the tips you give them is another issue altogether. XD That would be my advice. OR purchase a good toy that will do all the leg work of masturbation for you!
Have you ever thought about exploring another woman? I'm not gay, but that seems like it may be a possibility. If not, you may have to just suck it up until your feelings change about men.
@Lauraleigh39 I'm sure there are plenty of them around. Gay bars, dating sites? it's pride month so maybe some pride rallies. Get involved with issues pertaining to gays and lesbians would be my advice.
As a widow of 6 years and about 6 years prior to that watching Alzheimer's take my husband's desire and leaving us both without sex, I can identify. My advice for you is to set priorities on your issues and tackle them one at a time. Every month or so, review the list and maybe your priorities have changed. Also, try watching some porn, without guilt to get some tips on self-pleasuring. That's all I got.
Go to your profile. Make it clear that you aren't desperate. Define your limits clearly; so no potential date gets "the wrong idea".
F' buddies rarely work; there's too much emotion in intimacy.
Be patient - learn to say no - or maybe - depending on who you meet and how genuine they appear to be.
Develop a close relationship with a woman and explore that direction. You might just discover something you're missing.
Hi I am on the other side of the fence and my first post was about it. Essentially no intimacy connection with person who does not return affection or want it either. So I am on my own and trying to figure things out. Self Pleasurement while learning Kamasutra can help to intensify your self exploration. Counseling with a sex therapist may also help you unlock your self from something you may not be aware of from the past to help you now (?) You have my empathy.
I have got quite good at number 2. When i have a spare 5 minutes alone I soften the lights, put on some slow music, light some scented candles, have a slow dance with myself then lay down and pretend she is on top then 10 seconds later i light a cigarette and try to catch my breath and ask if it was good for her too ♥
I wish it was that easy for me. Nothing works but painful fist grinding and no soft anything
@Lauraleigh39 in all seriousness it takes a lot to be as open as you have been in front of others. It really sounds like you have been deprived of real love and affection yet its clear to see that that's what you need. Sex without that is unfulfilling beyond the moment of orgasm. If I were your lover I would make sure you felt wanted, needed and above all else loved. We would flirt like mad before and cuddle and snuggle afterwards with soft kisses until we fell asleep. One things for sure I wouldn't let you feel alone.
You want sex but you don't want a man, or a "fuck buddy," and you have almost no time. One of these things is going to have to give, yanno.
Some are suggesting a friend with benefits but fail to explain how you might go about such an adventure. A friend who is interested in benefits is nothing more than a "fuck buddy" at the end of the day. That's on your list of gotchas. Back to the drawing board? Probably. These things never seem to last. Someone will probably want more somewhere down the line. It can work for a little while but you seem very uninterested in the potential baggage risk. Therefore, you'd be better off doing it with someone who will mean very little to you tomorrow morning.
There are plenty of men standing in line to get lucky. Women seeking sex & intimacy can basically have their pick.
Very true. The reality of my math problem equates to I am to be alone lol. I hate being alone and my instincts want to dress up and go out ,etc and try to enjoy some things but that is not my purpose right now. Instead I go out with my son lol and we do things together like play on a playground or dig in the mud. FWB would seem like a good solution but it sickens me. Im sure it would be easy to find someone to agree to that and they would love the opportunity to have a sexual relationship with a woman with very little effort. But I would grow resentful probably even the first time or second and start some argument to make it end. If I am not meant to be with anyone then so be it. I'll master this alone thing til the end of time instead. If I want to have sex, there's always my ex. He will because he has no emotions other than physical desire and anger and I know he will be consenting. It will be familar because we were married for 5 years. Ive already grown numb to him and have gotten to the other side of then end of my marriage and relationship so it does not bother me other than he is a horrible kisser. So fuck it. Ill fuck my ex if the opportunity arises and stay alone. I know real love exists and there are people out there who have it. Im just not one of them. I need to accept it.
@Lauraleigh39 That is why you have to set ground rules with guys you have sex with. Is the resentment because they are not fulfilling you sexually? Or is the resentment because you think they are using you sexually? If the latter, you are using them sexually as well, so it is mutual. Not sure why the resentment is necessary then.
@Lauraleigh39 I don't know why but the part about sleeping with your ex makes me sad. I totally understand where you're coming from as I'm a single mom too with very little time for any real dating. I just don't know if sleeping with your ex just because its familiar is a good way to go. The way you describe him it sounds like it would probably make you feel shitty afterwards and you are a beautiful girl and deserve better than that. No judgements whatsoever, I just think whatever way you go you don't need to be with someone who's angry and emotionally detached.
Consider the route of ethical non-monogamy aka polyamory. There are people who are in a primary relationship that just isn't fully fulfilling - often because of mismatched sex drives, etc. - and they are seeking another committed, long-term partner that is part-time. It might work out well with your schedule, involve intimate emotional connection too, and also fulfill your sexual needs. It's not for everyone, but it's worth considering if you haven't before. Again, there are lots of types of polyamory or ENM out there, so explore which kind works for you. I suspect the type that might work for you is a limited poly-fidelity, or a person who is faithful to just two people.
Hard to fine, any sugetions as to how? I went as far as to make a profile on what advertizes as a polly dating site and it turned out to be a hook up site, nothing more. I deleated my profile after only one day. When I think of polly, I like of multipul loves and sex partners.
There was a guy who asked me out on a dating website who was poly and had a photo of him and his sig ot. But I did not agree. Something about it just creeped me out a little....plus Im sick of the whole one guy two girl thing with the man pulling the strings.
@Mermaidfantasy Sorry for the slooooow response. I actually just saw that you replied. As for me, I found my poly relationships by attending local poly parties and mixers. The community tends to be pretty tight and people know each other in it reasonably well, for what might be obvious reasons. So there's a natural vetting process to it when you become part of a community. If there is not a community in your area then you can always start one. Consider using Meetup.com which is a website for establishing regular community meetings on any topic, whether it is knitting or Scrabble or cuddle parties or poly.
@Mermaidfantasy, @Lauraleigh39 As mentioned above, I'm sorry for the very slow reply. Yeah, online dating is difficult because it is hard to determine someone's motives, and hard to know them from any random, scary stranger. That's why I generally like dating through community. See my response to @Mermaidfantasy about that topic. As for one guy two girl thing, if that's not for you, feel free to avoid it. I know one poly family that has been stable for years where my friend who is a woman has a husband and a committed boyfriend and they all live happily in their one house with the four kids her committed boyfriend brought to the party. You'd be amazed at what is possible when you think outside the box and are very clear and committed to your own needs and desires without shame. That's one of the many "blessings" (ha ha) of being agnostic/atheist: we get to throw off the shackles of religious shame.
@Lauraleigh39 I am with you as to the one man, two momen and the man makes all the rules and the women are not aloud to have other lovers, that is not polly, it is disfunual and creepy. I do not want to live with anyone, and I do not want to be owned and monogasm, I want the freedom to have more than one full time lover for sex and love. I am hopful that someday I will find men who not only get this but also want the same.
@Lauraleigh39, @ejbman I am in a couple of local sex positive groups and some of the people are polly, but we have no real group that one could date from. I did join a group on Fave book, but again, no one in my area. I will check out meet up and see if they have anything close.
They are out there, there men who are more interested in pleasing a woman than just getting there rocks off. To me it is much more important to give a woman pleasure than my own satisfaction. Sounds like B.S. but very true. Never been a great lover, that is why it is so important or I would never have sex.
Finding a friend with benefits is probably the answer, but as others have pointed out, a friendship and trust have to be established before the benefits......lacking the friendship and trust it really is no more than a fuck buddy. Good luck with finding that friend....I'm fast approaching 2 years without sex, so I certainly haven't figured it out.
It may be a bit easier for a woman. As a man, approaching a woman friend and suggesting we explore "benefits" feels like trying to cross a mine field. Dangerous.
@Lauraleigh39 I always had a high sex drive. I haven't lost it.....I just have to try ignoring it or I'll go nuts.
I'm glad things are trending up Laura. Tough set of choices. No quick answer, but intimacy is the toughest challenge, IMO. The time constraints are a challenge also. Ejbman makes a valid suggestion(s) also. It sounds like that might be a valuable option also. Keep plugging away.
Hi guys just wanted to say im doing a little better. Thanks for listening and letting me vent! Im still just working onnself pleasure. It helps me to talk about things in a group like this! i know the right person may come along one day i need to just wait and not compromise
"sexually frustrated alot. Ive never been good at masturbating and really just want to have sex alot. So Im pent up."...
. Thats the part you need to work on first..
Learn how to ease the "pent up" part and the rest of the puzzle pieces will fall into place.
Posted by AtheistPeace666Hello I'm a single Canuck looking for my special lady Canuck.
Posted by KhaCRYou ever feel like you found the perfect sexual partner then he turns out to be a complete 💩bag and you can’t find the satisfaction in other encounters?
Posted by EntheogenFanI have a story to tell.
Posted by EntheogenFanI have a story to tell.
Posted by KateOahuYes, I agree that the reverse is also true.
Posted by JolantaThis is what women have to put up with and then they want to be intimate while we are still angry because they will not do their share of housework.
Posted by JolantaDucky, Snookums....
Posted by SorchaThis is a guy I was talking to from okcupid. He is totally new to online dating and it shows.
Posted by JolantaThat’s Amore. Some women are just far too shallow.
Posted by JolantaSomething for real intimacy perhaps.
Posted by Green_Soldier71Has anyone here had any experience with (or known someone who has/had) a SEXLESS MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP or a FRIGID PARTNER?
Posted by EyesThatSmileNakedness.
Posted by LetzGetRealMy family has often commented how I should become a "cougar"... as I look pretty good at my age and have a younger mindset than some of my peers, I guess this is there rationale?
Posted by Ann-1980The 4 types of Intimacy to feel sufficient, satisfied & healing in a love relationship.
Posted by Philip21over the top thinking? [agnostic.com]
Posted by DavidRussettI have been a widower for 2 years. I am very lonely. I am really looking for a relationship wth someone compatible with me.
Sinner your advice does not reflect your pen name lol