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What am I do? I have been with a woman several years, she is amazing and wonderful in every way except when it comes sex. The vanilla sex only comes on occasion, and only after a long back rub followed by a self-turn-on routine. Not that she is prudish, or unwilling do new things, the idea is just met with a general disinterest. I have reached the point where I am questioning the whole relationship, but realize is perfect in every other way.

KRenfro 3 July 13
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0

My interest or lack thereof , depends on whom I'm with . The problem may not be who she is , but who she sees you as being .

Cast1es Level 9 Aug 4, 2019
0

Are you the self turn on routine or is she finally relenting to your expectations and lubricating herself to get ready for your saddle mounting ? You sound vanilla and minimizing just how great she is outside of bed.....don't you like back massage ? Does she ever ask you where an aging body hurts ? Do yo live with her ? Are you not understanding love is a lifestyle not a rainbow of sex colors ? Do you ever actually talk with her about your intimate lives ? Maybe she has memories of a boy worse than you she is struggling with ? Do you have a clue what a real woman wants from a real man ?

She is nearly perfect in nearly every other way. As vanilla as I may seem, I have not had these issues with other women, including an ex-wife. It is a very long massage that generally ends with her sleeping. Honestly, I spend 3 or more hours a week and am just tired of it. I have no idea what you mean by a sex lifestyle, or a rainbow of sex colors. We talk frequently about it, we have sex so she will not have to hear me talk about it. No bad memories, no bad boyfriends, she is too independent to waste time with someone that would treat her poorly. It is my impression real men and real women are relative. What she wants is someone that doesn't really want to have sex very often, or doesn't care.

0

I had a ex that was okay with the same routine and did not want to spice things up. I communicated with him about it, open and honestly, on several occassions and told him what I wanted to try. Now, he did not try everything but he made minor changes. On the other hand, initially he did not want to try at all. That is the worst imo if you communicate your needs and your partner is like meh, fck it. Good luck with those needs. :/ Hopefully your partner is more willing to satisfy your needs once it is discussed and pondered about on her end.

1

How well do you communicate with each other about sex? I don't hear any of that from your post. Perhaps she's had physical, emotional, or sexual trauma, or any medical conditions that effect her libido?... If you have a wonderful relationship otherwise, then I would say it's more than worth for you and her it to be able to talk to each other and find a way to make this work.

bleurowz Level 8 July 13, 2019

We talk about it, I mention the hum drum nature of the experience, but it is just not an important thing for her.

@KRenfro does not sound like honest dialogue to me......to be this close to a woman is heaven buddy and you call her hum drum ? You can play house with any adult but to be lovers takes music dance flowers poems singing romantic food potpourri candles clean sheets YOU WASHED AND IRONED AND FLUFFED PILLOWS doing at least half the work of romance....you have wasted several years manipulating for "sex" when maybe watching a movie together might help you both Don Juan deMarco title role Marlon Brando his shrink Johnny Deppe masterfully unites the story of learning how to love women from his childhood days and a Playboy Centerfold....when you two can laugh and learn together the joys of your brains inseparable from your vanilla parts....maybe just then climax and satisfying each other will no longer be a mystery for us Atheists to solve for an "educator"

@GreenAtheist I have done all of those things. I am the romantic, she couldn't care less about flowers. She eats crackers in bed, indifferent to music preferences, and to her, poetry was a unit in a high school English class. I prepare the finest dinners, go for long walks, then watch her crash on the couch. She is done for the night. I am beginning to think it is all a waste of time. As appreciative and perfect as she may be in nearly every other way, boring sex, or no sex at all is not a lifestyle as you put it above.

6

When prostate removal and Alzheimer's-its medications and side effects-took away my husband's interest in our former mutually high-libido sexual relationship, I had to make a decision. My issues were; was sex the foundation block of our relationship, and were there any other reasons to stay married. After much internal dialog, I realized that not only did I love the man but I respected and admired him and never wanted to see him suffer. I wanted to be with him as long as was possible and I wanted to be his anchor as he had been mine during difficult times. There were several other ways to satisfy my own lusty yearnings, but his intelligence and kiindness had imprinted on me and I realized that sex was really just one small part of the deep relationship we had. I believe I instinctively knew I would never meet another man with whom I would fit together so well. The realization that I could not leave him and be happy made the difference for me. That's my story of my journey from sexual fever to celibacy. He's gone but I've never regretted that I stayed. And, of course, mine is a female perspective which probably makes a difference.

2

This is a more common phenomenon that we know. A lot of men and women stay in relationships because a lot of other factors outweigh the negatives. People hardly blow a relationship, especially of a sufficiently long time for one or two factors in a big picture of many factors.

In my case, I struggled since the first day of honeymoon of whether she was the right woman in my life. Sex has never been good (in fact terrible), sex is not a topic open for discussion. Whenever I brought it up, initially she listened and kept quite, later she started saying... "Again, you and your sex". I have realized that she is chemically different and unchangeable. But a lot happened since in the last 25 years of being together.

  1. She stood tall and strong by me in very hard days (no job, no money, sicknesses, setbacks)
  2. She took care of my mother dying of cancer at home in CT and did everything from finding doctors, doing chemos, comforting, bringing all family together, handling finances
  3. She gave me a fantastic child and has been an outstanding mother
  4. She made a great home for me and my immediate family to come to and live in
  5. Every single person among my friends and family love her
  6. She has never asked me for anything, no gifts, no house, no vacations ever
  7. I threatened a serious divorce once and she said just take care of the daughter's future and take everything we have. I want you to be happy. I have left and come back once. She knows my love for the daughter is outstanding and that was never in dispute.
  8. My daughter thinks her mother is her solid rock

This was too much for me to destroy. When people ask me "do you love your wife?". My answer is evading. I say "she is great. I have a deep gratitude." Love to me is a difficult idea to understand.

I am telling you this because I believe yours is a common dilemma. Only you can determine what is important to you in life and if you can live with the consequences of your decision. Nobody can do that for you.

Some people in some cultures say... the fate dealt certain cards to me and I have to deal with them for life.

In Muslim conservative culture, playing with breasts and doing oral sex is considered "Haram" which means prohibited in Quran. I am sure men and women are frustrated there. But marriages and relationships continue, families grow and the life continues for generations that way. I am not asking you should do that or saying it is right.... Lol

St-Sinner Level 9 July 13, 2019

Whatever Muslim conservatives do, in my view, is not culture. It is BS invented by pedophiles. There is no place for this in a civilized society!

@zesty I agree that it has no place in a civilized society and I am glad I do not belong there. I am only stating a fact.

You are so completely on. I feel like I have written this several times, she is perfect in nearly every other facet of life. I used to live for sex, but I am having to curb this appetite and it is frustrating to no end.

1

Ask a doctor working in the hormonal therapy field. Maybe her libido can be increased by hormonal treatment. But don't be surprised if she starts to have dozens of lovers. Lol

zesty Level 7 July 13, 2019

I agree with you! Hormonal therapy and, if needed, sex therapy.

@EyesThatSmile To do any type of therapy implies willingness of the patient. From the narrative, I'm of the mind that she may not be open to it.

@SiouxcitySure If she has no sexual desire and she is not willing to change, leave her. Life is too short to spend it with frigid chicks!

@SiouxcitySue best if two go to sex therapy but it isn’t required.

@EyesThatSmile et, al. I posted below, but should note for this thread that she is agreeable to having more sex if it means not having to talk about it. That is the issue. Any effort made on her part is for the sake of getting past it so she can go to sleep.

4

Some women simply have a low libido. (As do some men.) A high libido person should not get into a relationship with a low libido person. As for me, I'm pretty much a male slut. (Although I don't have a female counterpart yet.) But I'm not going to get roped into a relationship with a low-libido woman. I'll wait until my slut comes along.

mischl Level 8 July 13, 2019

There may be something to your theory.

4

I think sexual compatibility is important. But to each his own...

5

Have you openly discussed this with her? Has she had bad experiences with past lovers?

Yes, she is aware of her disinterest and will be more agreeable to sex in a short term if it means not having to talk about it.

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