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I've been in a passionless relationship for 5 yrs...haven't had sex in 3...shes not interested. What are anyones thoughts on passion on the down-low? :/

By Jimmymac625
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21 comments

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13

Sounds like your no longer compatable. If your gonna go, “on the down low” take the high road and just leave instead, that’s better for at least three people in this scenario.

ArdentAtheist Level 8 May 5, 2018
11

I'm assuming that "no sex" means no sexual intercourse. My question is - However, what about all the other possible facets of the relationship? Do you communicate verbally? Do you hug and kiss? Do you touch each other in passing? Do you hold hands? What about other aspects of a relationship - such as relationship with the kids, others, etc., who may be part of the family? Do you love and respect yourself AND the other? Do you sleep (and I don't mean sex) together? Do you do "normal" activities with the other? Are all other facets of a "good" relationship intact? Or - has the entire structure collapsed? Answers to these questions will surely give a good indication where the relationship may be - and/or where it may go.

mkeaman Level 6 May 5, 2018
10

It is sometimes hard for women in long term relationships to feel good about sex if they don’t feel good about the relationship. At least one girlfriend and I experienced the exact same thing. We were in bad relationships with bad to no sex. Then when we left and got in better relationships the sex got shockingly great for both of us. She and I had both believed There is something wrong with me physically. But there wasn’t. There was something wrong mentally, emotionally, with the relationship. Of course there can be physical causes as well, but these are examples of bad relationships leading to little or no sex.

Heart_Truth Level 7 May 5, 2018

This is a harsh reality for the partner left behind. "Why couldn't that have been me?" Is a natural,but myopic question

7

No down low. Either fix it together or end it. I ended my 30 year nearly sexless marriage. Should have ended it 15 years sooner and I regret it every day.

SaucyCheryl Level 8 May 6, 2018
7

The last 5 years of my 20 year marriage were sexless and the 5 before was only 3-4 times. I understand how difficult that is. By the last few years there was zero touching (hugging etc). I couldn’t live like that anymore and divorced.

And before anyone jumps down my throat, yes we tried marriage counseling and worked on our marriage on our own. I know it’s not completely his fault but eventually I felt like I was the only one putting in any effort.

Marcie1974 Level 8 May 5, 2018

Right on, unilaterally deciding that the marriage becomes sexless is as much a violation as cheating. You went beyond fair.

@Buttercup I would have bolted long before but was trying to stay for the kids and we had a lot of debt. In hindsight I wish I would have left years before.

I’m definitely much happier now!

7

Have you asked if sex on the side would be permissible?

MrLizard Level 8 May 5, 2018

It works for us

6

I have a bunch of advice, LOL. First of all, a couple of books: a) Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Hands down the best book on female sexuality. It explains a variety of causes behind low interest in sex. b) The State of Affairs by Esther Perel. It's about extramarital affairs, and offers a counterintuitive perspective.

Secondly, I recommend going to see a relationship therapist and/or sex therapist (the distinction between the two is often less than you might think).

Thirdly, if the first two don't work, consider negotiating a more open relationship (More Than Two, Opening Up and The Ethical Slut are the books to read on that subject).

Lastly, I would counsel against doing things on the down-low. Sex and relationships should be consensual. A person cannot consent if they don't know what's going on.

ejbman Level 7 May 6, 2018

This is solid advice.

Honestly, having been through it myself, I wouldn’t even try for counseling a 2nd time. Perhaps if they have kids or if the sex was really good in the beginning. But if your needs and wants are different, counseling most likely won’t change that.

@Marcie1974 I’m biased probably because I’m a counselor myself. But if your needs or wants are different, that’s an excellent thing for a counselor to help navigate. If a counselor doesn’t help you navigate that, they may be a poor counselor. Not saying every relationship should be maintained but good counseling can do a lot of good and bad counseling can, well... suck.

@ejbman when we saw a marriage counselor things got a lot better (with exception to intimacy, I didn’t even bother going into that yet) for about 6 months. Then he went right back into not putting in any effort. I kept trying for a year but you can only be the only one putting in the effort for so long.

@Marcie1974 I agree completely. I actually had a similar experience in one relationship. It can't be one-sided.

6

No down-low.

Shawno1972 Level 6 May 5, 2018
6

I believe in honesty and good communication, so if this relationship means a lot to you, then expressing your feelings and alternate possibilities is a fair thing to do. She might even welcome not feeling she is letting you down and may be agreeable as long as you are careful about health concerns. She could say no, and then then you'd have to decide if your sexual needs outweighed the other good parts of your relationship to need enough to end the relationship with her. But if the relationship is basically over anyway, then do as you will and separate if needed. Others may have some better ideas too.

Silverwhisper Level 7 May 5, 2018
6

Why stay in a passionless relationship? Staying in a relationship serves to prevent us from finding the right one for us. Follow your passion.

dare2dream Level 7 May 5, 2018

There are some legitimate reasons for staying, like kids or finances.

5

After 20+ years of marriage when my now ex showed me that his xian website was more important to him than I was I knew it was over. I know when the last time we were intimate was. And that was the night I realized I needed to plan for a future without him. We were together another 5 or so years. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is.

HippieChick58 Level 9 May 5, 2018

Agreed. Indifference and/or neglect is a difficult pill to swallow. I’m very slowly rebuilding my self esteem.

What a waste of time and probable loss of self esteem.

4

I sympathise and am in a similar situation, is your wife's situation related to health issues, and have you discussed the situation?

LenHazell53 Level 8 May 5, 2018
3

What if the one you love is incapacitated in some way and can no longer engage in sexual activity. Do you abandon them? What if an emotional or psychiatric pathology is the cause, do you support them as they may need if that support curtails sex. These things are extreme, but the point is no less relevant. Therapy may help and it's worth a shot. Libido is different for everyone, sometimes it naturally fades with time for some. It may not your fault and may not be intention to hurt you or deny you. It might just be part of a maturation process. But I would strongly recommend therapy to get to the bottom of it. It could be something very simple. Best of luck

Dingodog Level 7 May 8, 2018
3

By your question I can tell sexual intimacy is very important to you. So I would have to agree ,it may be time for you to call it quits. But only you can make that decision. Just kick the idea around a little bit .

Kojaksmom Level 8 May 6, 2018
3

I have to disagree with almost everyone. If you still love each other, sex is not required for a deep a m f meaningful relationship/partnership. Bit if it is bothering you, or you're telling cheated, maybe you should ask if she'd rather you go outside, work on it with you or just end it.

Dingodog Level 7 May 5, 2018

There are plenty of deep relationships but a marriage that started off sexual and one partner unilaterally ends it doesn't qualify

3

Clear communication between the both of you is essential. You have to split if you're unhappy.

Ellatynemouth Level 8 May 5, 2018
2

There are many possibilities. If you want to rekindle your relationship take a vacation somewhere romantic. You must attend to her as a new suitor does to a virgin; make her feel special, but do it subtly at first to see if she responds. If she does good continue with more conviction. Plan on spending from noon till midnight making love to get to the sex at midnight. I think this effort will help you decide what to do.

EdEarl Level 8 May 5, 2018

I get what you are saying, but I am tired of being the one responsible for bringing all the romance.

@CraeftSmith So what options remain?

@EdEarl I don't know. I guess a long break, and some time spent with other people.

1

There’s a saying that people want sex when the sex is worth wanting. Try reflecting on the type of sex you had the first two years. What changed at the two-year mark? People don’t just stop wanting sex in an instant; there are always reasons. A therapist can help you sort out the history behind where you are today. I’d also suggest that you reflect on what’s the catalyst for change now? PS: “passion on the DL” sounds romantic but it’s flat-out cheating. Best to try to fix the relationship or leave with integrity.

UUNJ Level 8 May 13, 2018
0

do you mean cheating ?

weeman Level 7 July 19, 2018
0

Assuming you are not married, she is not interested for a reason. If you don';t know why, your lines of communication are broken. If sex is that important to you & not to her, perhaps an open relationship is in order if there are other priorities other than sex. However in my realm the ethical thing to do is to have a meaningful discussion on renegotiating the parameters of the relationship. I would never do the down low. I would never expect him to do the down low. I negotiated an open marriage. Should I find a love interest, I am free to pursue it without restriction, or stealth. It is the ethical thing to do. Ethics are important to me. I am fiercely ethical. Man up & do the right thing. Down low is smarmy. Open is healthy.

Mooolah Level 8 May 17, 2018

i don't understand why you would be married and then be able to have sex with someone else? that's contradictory in my book. if you wish to have sex with others, then don't get married. i don't get it. can you please explain?

0

She breached the contract, assuming this started out as a sexually committed relationship. You don't owe her a thing. Personally, I couldn't live with the lie, so hard as it is call her out or leave would be my choices.

Buttercup Level 7 May 8, 2018

Insufficient information to blame her.

@UUNJ I'm an advocate by nature, so I usually take the side of the person asking. Still, face it or leave seem the best choices. The problem with cheating is that he will be the one it hurts, if he was a person without a nagging conscience he wouldn't have to ask.

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