I've been in a passionless relationship for 5 yrs...haven't had sex in 3...shes not interested. What are anyones thoughts on passion on the down-low? :/
Assuming you are not married, she is not interested for a reason. If you don';t know why, your lines of communication are broken. If sex is that important to you & not to her, perhaps an open relationship is in order if there are other priorities other than sex. However in my realm the ethical thing to do is to have a meaningful discussion on renegotiating the parameters of the relationship. I would never do the down low. I would never expect him to do the down low. I negotiated an open marriage. Should I find a love interest, I am free to pursue it without restriction, or stealth. It is the ethical thing to do. Ethics are important to me. I am fiercely ethical. Man up & do the right thing. Down low is smarmy. Open is healthy.
There’s a saying that people want sex when the sex is worth wanting. Try reflecting on the type of sex you had the first two years. What changed at the two-year mark? People don’t just stop wanting sex in an instant; there are always reasons. A therapist can help you sort out the history behind where you are today. I’d also suggest that you reflect on what’s the catalyst for change now? PS: “passion on the DL” sounds romantic but it’s flat-out cheating. Best to try to fix the relationship or leave with integrity.
What if the one you love is incapacitated in some way and can no longer engage in sexual activity. Do you abandon them? What if an emotional or psychiatric pathology is the cause, do you support them as they may need if that support curtails sex. These things are extreme, but the point is no less relevant. Therapy may help and it's worth a shot. Libido is different for everyone, sometimes it naturally fades with time for some. It may not your fault and may not be intention to hurt you or deny you. It might just be part of a maturation process. But I would strongly recommend therapy to get to the bottom of it. It could be something very simple. Best of luck
I have a bunch of advice, LOL. First of all, a couple of books: a) Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Hands down the best book on female sexuality. It explains a variety of causes behind low interest in sex. b) The State of Affairs by Esther Perel. It's about extramarital affairs, and offers a counterintuitive perspective.
Secondly, I recommend going to see a relationship therapist and/or sex therapist (the distinction between the two is often less than you might think).
Thirdly, if the first two don't work, consider negotiating a more open relationship (More Than Two, Opening Up and The Ethical Slut are the books to read on that subject).
Lastly, I would counsel against doing things on the down-low. Sex and relationships should be consensual. A person cannot consent if they don't know what's going on.
After 20+ years of marriage when my now ex showed me that his xian website was more important to him than I was I knew it was over. I know when the last time we were intimate was. And that was the night I realized I needed to plan for a future without him. We were together another 5 or so years. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is.
The last 5 years of my 20 year marriage were sexless and the 5 before was only 3-4 times. I understand how difficult that is. By the last few years there was zero touching (hugging etc). I couldn’t live like that anymore and divorced.
And before anyone jumps down my throat, yes we tried marriage counseling and worked on our marriage on our own. I know it’s not completely his fault but eventually I felt like I was the only one putting in any effort.
I'm assuming that "no sex" means no sexual intercourse. My question is - However, what about all the other possible facets of the relationship? Do you communicate verbally? Do you hug and kiss? Do you touch each other in passing? Do you hold hands? What about other aspects of a relationship - such as relationship with the kids, others, etc., who may be part of the family? Do you love and respect yourself AND the other? Do you sleep (and I don't mean sex) together? Do you do "normal" activities with the other? Are all other facets of a "good" relationship intact? Or - has the entire structure collapsed? Answers to these questions will surely give a good indication where the relationship may be - and/or where it may go.
It is sometimes hard for women in long term relationships to feel good about sex if they don’t feel good about the relationship. At least one girlfriend and I experienced the exact same thing. We were in bad relationships with bad to no sex. Then when we left and got in better relationships the sex got shockingly great for both of us. She and I had both believed There is something wrong with me physically. But there wasn’t. There was something wrong mentally, emotionally, with the relationship. Of course there can be physical causes as well, but these are examples of bad relationships leading to little or no sex.
I have to disagree with almost everyone. If you still love each other, sex is not required for a deep a m f meaningful relationship/partnership. Bit if it is bothering you, or you're telling cheated, maybe you should ask if she'd rather you go outside, work on it with you or just end it.
There are many possibilities. If you want to rekindle your relationship take a vacation somewhere romantic. You must attend to her as a new suitor does to a virgin; make her feel special, but do it subtly at first to see if she responds. If she does good continue with more conviction. Plan on spending from noon till midnight making love to get to the sex at midnight. I think this effort will help you decide what to do.