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Men who never learned to cook

“For 40 years, my husband never cooked a thing,” my friend Billie, 75, said. “It was a huge burden for me to make all the meals. After he died, I decided I will never live with a man who cannot cook again.”

I’m not willing to be a kitchen slave. Cooking is a basic life skill. A healthy, nutritious diet is fundamental to a healthy life.

Thorough online dating, I have met over a dozen men in their 50s and 60s who never learned to cook. They expected me to plan, prepare and cook three meals a day. One man sat passively in the car while I shopped for our groceries. What is this, the 1950’s?

Basically, they want a mommy to take care of them and great sex. Not interested.

If you can read, you can cook. Pick up a cookbook and follow instructions.

How do you slice a lemon?” Jim asked. Talk about helpless!

One man was so intimidated by my excellent, healthy cooking, he refused to cook for me. Not even oatmeal. John criticized me for being "too exacting" while cooking and sewing. My creativity and eye for detail are strengths, not a character flaw.

John thinks it's sexy to see a woman with her back turned, working in the kitchen. He likes to come up behind women and rub against them.

When he did this to me in the kitchen, his intent was to distract me and initiate sex.

Because I was rapidly chopping vegetables and stir frying- to stop would turn the vegetables into mush- I ignored him. John complained that I was not paying enough attention to him in the kitchen. Needless to say, we broke up.

Everyone loves to hear those magic words: "Dinner is served."

LiterateHiker 9 Sep 22
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80 comments

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1

I can cook pretty well but no longer care to. I also do not consider a lack of cooking ability a deal breaker as long as my potential partner does not think cooking is going to be solely my responsibility.

9

I have never been with a man that couldn't cook. Sharing the kitchen is eyeopening, fun and sexy.

Yes all the men I know are great cooks and chefs.

8

Some men and some women like to cook. Some men and some women don't. Negotiations take place. People get fed. Same goes for cleaning, barn-raising, childrearing, farming, vehicle maintenance, warring, sewing, dentistry, decorating, accounting, manufacturing, undertaking, entertaining, governing, grounds-keeping, educating, researching, law-enforcing, road-building, piloting, nursing, sewage-management, appliance repairing, dog-walking, mining, haircutting, firefighting, and goat-milking. Meal-taking only needs to happen three times a day. Electrical generation, on the other hand, needs to be done unceasingly around the clock. Fortunately, these days, all of it can be outsourced. Nobody does it all, and nobody should be expected to do any of it against their will or without agreed upon compensation. That said... hopefully, intimate partnership is based on something other than the exchange of goods and services.

skado Level 9 Sep 23, 2018

Well said.

7

I will soon read the previous 104 comments.
My take:
There is a subculture, of women that have a need to be mommies
There is a subculture of men, that need to be mommied

May they find each other

twill Level 7 Sep 23, 2018

So true.

6

As a (former) husband/partner and a father, I have always shared in domestic responsibilities. I've bathed my kids, changed their diapers, helped to raise them. With regard to culinary skill, I wouldn't say I'm a good cook, but I can read and follow a recipe. I have cooked several meals from scratch this way and they came out well. Despite coming in at the tail end of the Baby Boomer period, I feel I'm pretty modern in my attitude towards domestic partnership. I know it has to be a shared responsibility. @Redcupcoffee, my mom became an excellent cook over time, but she never taught me anything in that area. Blaming mothers for their son's failings is a bit unfair. Men have to own their shit. LOL!

@Redcupcoffee It's both, in answer to your questions. My mom didn't go out of her way to include me, nor did she exclude me. I agree that the situation in my family was "traditional" in that my dad was the primary breadwinner and my mom took care of the home. There is nothing wrong with that if that's the arrangement and if everyone's on-board with the plan. I don't think my reaction was irrational at all. I went back and re-read your comment and the tone of your comment was more judgmental of all mothers (so I'm not offended at all) than you are making it sound here in your reply to my comment. "A good mother of any genre would prepare their children for the real world, like cooking, cleaning, sewing, gardening, etc." This implies an expectation that mothers have a responsibility to train their children in those areas. I agree completely with your rephrasing of your meaning here in your response to me. When I was growing up, cooking,cleaning and laundry, etc., were definitely considered "women's work." That just doesn't fly today where for most families, both partners work and should share the household responsibility. =]

6

I love good food and grew up in a house where everything was boiled or burnt or both, so I learned to cook at the age of 13 by watching The Galloping Gourmet everyday after I got home from school. I became an excellent cook (so I am told) with a cooking regimen that spans everything from down home cooking to sushi to Thai and French and Moroccan. I have found that the way to a beautiful woman's heart is through her stomach (among other routes) and I dated many lovely ladies who enjoyed my culinary skills as well as the rest of me. I finally found the woman I can call my best friend and lover to the end of my days a few decades ago and I even taught her how to cook. This was my mistake because now she has invaded my kitchen in retirement and insists on cooking at least half of the time which is cramping my style. My wonderful wife still uses recipes for the most part (so amateur) and she does call upon my expertise to check that things have been sufficiently cooked and seasoned but I do miss my exclusive to me kitchen. It's my own damn fault of course for encouraging her interest in good quality food, so I will leave it at this point but I caution you to be careful what you ask for, you may lose your kitchen to a wannabe cook.

I had the same problem with my ex-wife and carpentry I taught her everything that I could possibly teach her and when she divorced me she took all my tools had to buy everything all over again

@Drsmash253 Surely not your hand tools as well? That would be low, even if she were a plumber.

@Surfpirate she left me my 26 ounce framing hammer and my tool belt

@Drsmash253 That's LOW!

5

I don't know much about anything but I can say this... Chopping veggies or working on a pico de gallo, to me it's geometry and I can slice onions, tomatoes and peppers to perfection. Beautiful small symmetrical shapes and my wife hates it with a vengeance because she can't do it. One of the very very very few things I have the edge on

Edge. Nice pun! Even if unintended…

@Krish55 most definitely unintended

5

I've run into the same thing in the dating world. I had one man tell me that his mother was an amazing cook, to which my reply was and you don't know how to cook? He said he never felt like he would need to because there would always be a woman in his life to do it for him. Needless to say that was our last date. So many people think that going back to women staying at home with kids leads to better children, but I say it leads to bored Housewives who raised kids who expect to be waited on hand and foot. The old saying is a man who knows how to cook knows how to.... well you can guess the rest. Cooking a meal together is a great way for a couple to spend time together and bond. it's kind of sexy to me

@Kojaksmom, Well said.

"I can be a good sous chef," a man said optimistically.

What this means is he is unwilling to take the lead in planning and cooking a meal.

Later he said he really doesn't know how to cook.

You're right. Men who know how to cook get laid.

I can cook quite well and I am always available to test out any theories! 😉

@Pete66 Lol! More power to ya!

5

I must live in some alternate universe. Every guy I know cooks. Married or single, we all cook, shop at the grocery store, and do laundry. My wife does the same chores I do. We share the load.

5

Some women don't know how to cook either! Let me tell you a 100% true story.

My old roommates girl came over. He asked her to cook a FROZEN PIZZA. She said she didn't know how to do it. He said read the instructions on the back. So she finally figured out how to turn the oven on. A while later, something was burning. It was the pizza. She said "I didn't know you had to check on it". She was close to her 21st bday.

5

I have always cooked. My ex wife only knew two settings on the stove, off and 10. This was todays dinner at 8AM before simmering for 8 hours, pasta sauce. Plus I made garlic bread from day old French bread. Had my mom over for dinner, she took home a serving, and I have 6 more servings in the freezer.

@Mark013

Good for you! For over 30 years, I have been making whole-grain breads.

When my daughter, Claire, was a baby, I spread a beach towel on the clean kitchen floor. Kneeling, I kneaded four loaves, letting her poke and taste to her heart's content. I figured it was going to be sterilized at 350 degrees in a few hours.

When Claire was three, I taught her easy shapes for rolls. Brushed with butter and hot from the oven, Claire's rolls were delicious, no matter how goofy-looking.

"I made the rolls!" Claire said proudly.

@LiterateHiker Now that is how to teach your daughter to bake. Bet it was a lot of fun.

5

Coming up behind me when I'm chopping is a good way to get stabbed.

I can't deal with the "helpless" male. Unless he's under the age of 5.

@KKGator

Very funny! "a good way to get stabbed."

I can't deal with the "helpless" male, either.

If I did that I would have to get myself to the hospital. I am not that stupid.

4

The world has changed, but I do feel that you're bringing issues from previous relationships into new ones. For instance, although some of them may not know how to cook, a softer approach could lead to them learning from you, & bringing you both closer. Also, many men could & did cook in the 60's, surely?

I know where you're coming from, however. I clearly remember my father being abusive to my mother because dinner took too long to prepare after he returned home from work. Never mind that she did the lion's share of parenting six children as well. I'm glad that times have changed, & I hope that you find someone that suits you.

4

I just don’t get that. I’m no gourmet in the kitchen but I can make it happen. I actually prefer cook with someone and for someone other than myself. I believe the whole experience friend cooking. eating cleaning up can and should be a shared experience for a couple. It’s an obvious and simple way share and grow closer. I believe in the idea of making “the hearth” and it’s activities the center of the home.

4

I used to be a Chef, so I'm the one who does most of the cooking.
I don't do it for a job any more, but I love doing it for friends.

4

When my late wife worked at a call center,I'd get us up in the morning and while she showered make breakfast, eggs and bacon maybe ,and get her out the door in time for work, at dinner time I'd have the meal ready when she drove in the garage. Chicken oven baked,ribs,maybe an all day slow cooker with pork and sauerkraut. Easy stuff.

4

I love to cook, so many different things to try. I keep threatening to buy my self a wok to home cook Asian authentic. I have dated women in the past that could barely burn cornflakes.

4

my guy can't cook. once when i was sick i asked him to cook, and i had to give him instructions one step at a time. i told him to peel an onion. i told him how. three hours later, and i am not exaggerating, he was done. he had sliced the onion and then peeled each slice.

g

@MrLizard i know! i know! i'd have laughed if i hadn't been depending on him to feed me!

g

4

I can cook a bit. I live on my own. To cook for myself, I never bother too much, just to feed myself in a satisfactory manner. Cooking for a few friends, that gives me a kick. I don't do it often, unfortunately. It's always a good thing when you can cook a bit.

4

My ex husband and I always cooked together, it was fun, included music, and playful times. He taught me a lot about Brazilian cuisine and I taught him about Greek cuisine. We learned, grew, and enjoyed many delicious meals together. I also had an ex who hadn’t a clue, but I taught him, because everyone should know how to cook. Also, it’s no fun to feel like you absolutely must cook, I’m not a personal chef.

4

I love to learn and help in the kitchen. I make my own healthy meals, they may not be the best, but it's not a competition.

4

After my divorce, I hired a cook to come in and prepare meals once a week. It was fun chatting and watching her cook and eventually I learned enough to feed myself reasonably well. Later, I learned quite a lot more from doing Blue Apron meals and I now am able to enjoy cooking for myself and friends. Cooking turns out to be fun, especially when done with a partner.

Where did you find the cook?

@thinkr Craigslist

4

Not knowing how to cook must be very disempowring!

3

What year is this ? ?

@Martiel1965

Exactly.

3

I seemed to be the primary chef in my previous partnerships. At one time I had over 200 cookbooks. My last/late partner could cook circles around me. She had a business and a web-site (Taste of Persia Lopez). However, it was not fair that she did all the cooking (plus she was gone a lot). Some of my recipes she didn't care for so I would mark the items in the books as PA (Parvin Approved) or NPA (not approved).

3

You would think that anyone who can read can cook, but I think it takes a higher degree of creativity, attention to detail, rhythm, and history of experimentation to pull a meal together at once than anyone even gives themselves credit for.

I didnt really cook much growing up, but I paid attention and tried to help mom n grandparents when I could. When I moved away for college and began living on my own, and later while taking care of my grandmother I developed a passion for it.

learned all sorts of fried dishes, breakfast, soulfood n cookout things from my stepgrandfather who was a short order cook and baker (among having every job in the village people at some point).

My grandma used to love my omlettes; shes been on a feeding tube now and I dearly wish I could make her another one. Im proud that I did get to make an entire thanksgiving dinner for her and my mom the last year before grandma needed assisted living.

Theres no excuse for being too helpless to slice a fruit of course, but my dad is one of those people that I wouldnt trust to cook rice from a package. His IQ must barely make it to triple digits. Mom did all our cooking growing up but I think Ive surpassed her technique in a lot of areas.

Stepgrandad had grandma beat there for sure too. Im glad I learned how to be a man from him and not my dad. I was good at it immediately n only had a couple failed cooking experiments ever, although it took those and a lot of mostly successful experiments to get proficiently confident at cooking many things at once. Drunken cooking was my favorite sport for a few years and I created some masterpieces ? Ive yet plenty to learn, but Im definitely not gonna starve.

@Wurlitzer

My athletic mother hated cooking. Mom would rush in at 5:00 and slap something together for dinner, aggravated. At age 12, I began baking brownies and cakes for the family.

To her credit, Mom gave me "The Joy of Cooking" cookbook when I went to college. Love the "About" sections (About Stocks, About Meats, About Cake Mixing, etc.)

Devoured "The Joy of Cooking " from cover to cover. Laughed at the recipe for whale, under "Fish": "Last but vast."

Learned how to make bread from "Laurel's Kitchen Bread Book- A Guide to Whole-Grain Breadmaking."

You're right: practice makes perfect. At first, I made a lot of bricks.

It took me forever to learn to sharpen knives properly. This year, I finally realized how much pressure to exert, when using a sharpening steel. Eye roll.

@LiterateHiker haha yeah it's an accumulation of lots of different physics, chemistry, and random life hacks you've got to learn before you really know your way around a kitchen. Ive always loved learning random little tricks to make kitchen life easier; opening jars, peeling boiled eggs, slicing tomatoes or other slippery veggies all have non intuitive tricks to them that youve just gotta learn from someone.

Having a good imagination for knowing what size to chop vegetables to in a dish, and improvising a flavor profile with seasoning are very similar to the spacial and color palate imagination you have to have as a visual artist. When I hear of helpless oafs who somehow managed to hold onto some poor beleaguered woman long enough to make it past the point of learning any new tricks for feeding themselves, I get pretty salty and resent that I still can't find a lady to cook for let alone who'd cook for me. I love cooking, but I hate grocery stores. Id be happy with someone who just liked to shop and let me cook every night. Im handy with carpentry and electronics too; id be a great house husband if I could just find my sugar mamma ?

@Wurlitzer

For years, I have been improvising new dishes and improving recipes. For example:

Making pancakes and muffins more moist by adding plain yogurt.

Balancing the flavors: sweet, salty, bitter and savory.

For grocery shopping, I keep a list of items I need, before running out.

Darn it, I often leave my list behind when shopping!

@Wurlitzer

I laughed reading:

"helpless oafs who somehow managed to hold onto some poor beleaguered woman"

Witty and accurate! Love your sense of humor.

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