I'm glad you enjoy reading it because once I get started, I can go on and on.... and on! First report card, Kgarten- Good student, smart but will not stop talking, had to set out circle-time 3 times for talking. When I was 6, my dad asked me, at the supper table on night, if I "could just shut up for 5 minutes". So, for exactly 5 minutes, I said NOTHING! Then I started up again.

You will get to the things you dream of doing, if you really want to. It can be hard sometimes to get past "life" and start living. Things get in our way sometimes and until we deal with them, we can find ourselves "stuck", unable to achieve our goals.

I was able to retire early, in 2011 on a agency "buy out" to get rid of some older (more highly paid) employees. I was really excited when I realized I would be eligible for this and the state (who I worked for) would pay for my insurance for 5 years, or until I reached Medicare age. I had gotten to the place where I was working for the insurance basically because the job was NOT happy making anymore. I had cleaned my garage out that summer so I could set up my tools. I had a list of projects I wanted to work on once the dust settled. BIG projects but all things I considered doable.

Three weeks after I retired, my father died and it all went to shit. Being only 20 miles from where he lived, I was the one who who had to deal with the immediate issues. He had specified that I would be his "executor" although his will was one of those mail order, fill it in things so this meant his "estate" was probated. His "estate" ended up in the red by the time everything was taken care of. Much of what he had was not highly marketable, even the house was almost a give away but short of that, I was strapped with having to run down there regularly to check on it, maintain the yard to the satisfaction of the city. Furniture I couldn't give away or fit in my house got left. Pretty much all the smaller stuff ended up in my house and garage.

The garage was no longer open for a workshop, it is overflowing as is the basement. I have always had major struggles with tossing stuff, a barely controlled problem with it was MY stuff but now with all his stuff, trying to get rid of it was overwhelming. I basically spent the next 6 1/2 years doing very little to deal with the collection or to get going on my projects. Two years ago I got excited about starting a project but decided I didn't want to replace the tub with a shower myself so looked at getting someone to do this. For me, that is a rare concession. I tend to be an avid DIYer, in part because I am very exacting about how things are done and If I'm paying someone else to do it, I can end up quite stressed. Well, turns out neither contractor I contacted about the job bothered to get back with me. Rather than pursue the matter, I got frustrated and ended up letting the whole project go. Still have the tub, bathroom still not remodeled.

This move during the winter to start on the cabinets (pantry) was the first REAL move to accomplish something since I retired. I did keep up regular, day to day stuff, I wasn't sunk into depression induced paralysis but the "to do" list went by the wayside. While I regret the wasted years and wish I had finished many of the projects I had looked forward to doing, I know there are times when we have to wade through the muck that life piles in front of us before we can get on down the road. I am sincerely hoping that I have finally made it through most of the muck and can continue getting things done that I want to.
Just keep pushing forward, a little at a time you will get to a better place and be able to accomplish much.

@DotLewis Thank you for chatting to me. I really appreciate it as I get very lonely.It sounds as if you have been through a difficult patch, but at least you are now coming out of it and can start doing your own things. I hope life doesn't throw any more spanners in the works and you can get on with your own life. I have great plans for the future and I am trying to do things towards my future life all the time, but itis hard. I have been living in Spain for most of the past twenty years and for the last ten years I have wanted to leave and go back to the UK, where all my family and friends are.However, my husband has consistently refused to move. We used to have a granny flat attached to my younger son's house which was great as I could go over there whenever I wanted for short breaks, and a longer break in the summer (I can't tolerate the heat here)but now he and his wife have split up and the house has been sold. I can go and stay with my daughter and with my son as a guest, but it is nothing like the same as having a place of my own. Here I live on the edge of a large village and there is absolutely nothing to do. I fill my time with crafts, reading, and such like, but we have very little money so I can't do anything too ambitiious. My husband is 87 now, and very frail so I am stuck here for the foreseeable future.I spend time planning my future house when I get back to the UK and also my garden - I love gardening but it is impossible here as it is too hot and dry to grow anything other than native species. I shall do some voluntary work once I get back and get involved in politics again, but here it is not possible. You can see why I eat too much! I am pleased to say that I have lost three pounds at the end of my first week of dieting, so that is a hopeful start. Your support is invaluable to me, so don't worry about chattering on - I enjoy it.

@CeliaVL I have to return the thanks, I enjoy having someone read and reply. I have a bit of the lonely lonely thing at times, too. I am pretty much an introvert, I live alone, which suits me as I get tense if I have to be around people, especially crowds, for too long. However, I do need some interactions with others just for balance. I have a couple friends in town that I visit, the neighbor across the street, who is 95, I usually go see every day. A couple who I visit every week or so. My BFF since high school lives across the state from me (300 miles)so in recent years we only get together a couple times a year and the past year my son has been so involved in his own life challenges that I have felt rather forgotten by him.

My animal “collection” keeps me from being gone from home more than a day. The dog population has gone down from past years but still not feasible to board them since no one is doing that locally and one is severely timid (bad history) so, hard to take him anywhere. This limits my ability to travel far or do some things that I know might be fun. I try to keep up some things, the senior exercise class 2 times a week, board meetings for senior center or just going to the store. Only around 3000 people live here so trip to the store usually results in running into someone I know.

I have thought lately about “running away”. Used to do a lot of that, primary fantasy was that I would take up residence in a lighthouse somewhere. After retiring, losing the work stress, those thoughts mostly went away but in the last couple years, with the current political climate and Kansas being pretty deep red, I have thought again about it. Not a lighthouse this time but a new country. I’ve become very disappointed and disillusioned by knowing that 90% of voters in this county voted for Trump. That has left me feeling that most of the people here are supportive or at least tolerant of many things I find unconscionable. I can’t help feeling like these are not people I want to spend time around.

Don’t expect I will act on these feelings, I own my house, paid off and cost of living here is very reasonable but I struggle with a level of dissatisfaction with things quite often. Perhaps, if I can stay motivated to getting some projects done, especially cleaning out the garage/basement and getting rid of a bunch of unneeded stuff, I will be able to ease that feeling. I do have a lingering “fantasy” over the past couple years, of getting a “tiny house”, which has become quite popular, putting it in my back yard and moving into it, leaving the big house as a big storage unit, so I wouldn’t have to deal with sorting and purging excess. Escaping has probably always been my go to coping mechanism. In the real world, it just isn’t practical but sometimes it sounds SO good.

I have started messing in the yard/garden the last week. I have a small garden space, 8 feet square, which I will plant some tomatoes and kale in soon. I enjoy the gardening and usually can at least have as many tomatoes as I want and all the kale I can use. I have an established clump of rhubarb in the corner of the garden and enjoy that. Hopefully, you can get someplace different soon, where you can have a garden. Playing in the dirt kind of helps balance a person, I think. Winter is never a great time for me, being inside most of the time wears on me and if the sun doesn’t shine, it is much worse.

Pleased to hear your first week has gone well. Seeing progress will have a good impact, you should feel stronger and more confident as you see results. With winter (mostly) past, maybe you can get outside some during the day, even if you can’t garden. If there are some pleasant areas nearby, like a park or woods, just being out in nature can be very uplifting.
I must stop, need to be up in the morning so I better go to bed. Talk to you again soon.