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How do you deal with Door-knockers?

Whether they be Witnesses, Mormons, or another proselytizing religion, how do you deal with people coming to your door to spread their religion?
I just had my first experience since getting a place of my own and had a decent conversation through the crack in my door. After I told him I was an atheist he tried to use apologetics; when I told him I was familiar with his arguments and didn't find them convincing further explaining that I take a scientific route of belief and chose not to believe until there is evidence for a god. He understood and thanked me for explaining and listening to him and he left with a handshake. I was surprised at myself for how civil I was to him but how does everyone else usually respond?

By Nicsnort
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851 comments

134

It hasn't happened to me yet. But if they come to my place, I plan to open the door wearing nothing but my bra and undies and a satanic cross necklace. Then ask "are you the escort/prostitute I sent for?"

Then watch them scurry away. XD

I know I'm terrible. smile007.gif

BLennon Level 3 Oct 22, 2017
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LMFAO!

lol

I can only hope on that day I'll be walking by with my rubber goat head and robes on so I can shout back "I'm going to pick them up right now. Keep those two entertained until we get back!" lol

Forget the Satanic Cross. Bra and undies should do the trick.

Brilliant!

many many many years ago, I had a friend chicken blood and craft feathers on his arms and face before he answered the door...he asked if they were there to deliver the sacrificial goat and that they were welcome to stay for orgy

Thanks for that laugh, I might have cracked a rib.

That is hilarious!

LOL!!

No no no. You should open the door naked. If you're going to make a point do it right!

My uncle saw two JWs knocking on doors on his street many years ago. A woman in her 50s and a girl of maybe 20 popped up on his porch and before they could say anything he opened his door and said, "Come in gals. The old lady is gone and we can have a good time." They took off in great haste.

@Diarmaede very cute

heh heh
This happened all the time on my mission for the LDS church.

Too funny! As are a number of the3 comments below! LMAOtoo

@tioteo haha

Bra and undies? Give them the full month! You'll be glad you did.

I actually used to open the door on Saturday mornings to find a group of Jehovah's Witnesses. Generally it was a group of women and of course I would open the door while Stark naked with warm beer in one hand and a cold Pizza in the other. I would invite them in,and of course, they would decline and avert their eyes but naturally, they did so after checking out the package.... The funniest thing to me, was that each time they would stay gone for 2 weeks or so and then they would come back with a new group of women but always there was that same matriarch that seemed to take some strange Glee in getting her flock to parade to my door. Go figure

Edited

Awesomeness!!

Haha.. That's awesome. Or put red food dye on some old sweats, mess up your hair, and rip your shirt, and answer the door, "Oh good you're here. I've cleaned up most of the blood. Did you bring the bleach?"

My rates are very reasonable luv!

@ciscokidd Hilarious!!!

now i know where that door is i want to knock on!!

You need a little time to get ready, this would be great, they will pray for you for a ;long time. Wish I was this creative. Youmade me laugh, Thanks.

Faster way is just wear the cross and skip the bra and panties.

@Simply_Being that's probably as much action as they'll ever get! Hahaha!

@Nutmeg4381 Honestly.... if I'm looking for a long-term relationship it's really hard to find a decent person. If I'm looking just for some Tramp that puts out for the price of dinner and a couple of drinks, well of course I will go straight to church. Lol. This is the honest truth and I have a theory... I think those that are most repressed are those who will more quickly throw off their shackles at the slightest hint of freedom....

Edited

Hey! Where do you live?! I have a couple of “watchtower” magazines. I would love to knock on your door!! : p

I once wrapped myself in a black sheet (I was doing laundry, it was handy), greeted them in Arabic, and watched them scurry. But I didn't feel like talking that day.

I've also invited them in for tea and shown them I know their scriptures better, and in more languages, than they do. I think they find that extremely annoying.

It might chase them away or it might persuade a few of them to become atheists. It could go either way

Forget the bra and undies! Just the satanic cross

I'll be at your door shortly ... is there a good time to catch you in said attire ... as well would it be to forward of me to respond ... well yes I am ...lol!

Edited

Answering the door in your bra and panties? What's your address? Asking for a friend...

your assumption that they scurry away may be flawed...i know, in a previous lifetime I was a Mormon missionary...

Where do you live? I'll come by and try to convert you to a Boston Bruins fan.

@Simply_Being I was raised a JW they do that till you say please don’t come back then they write you don’t as a do not call .

They came to my door once, and I opened it and was nude. Lol

@ciscokidd Lmao

Could we meet soon

Edited

@Dwight

I'm grabbing a bible and I will be right over!

@TaraMarshall Very funny!
Research has shown Agnostics and Atheists know more about religion than fundamentalists do.

40

I have often let them in and engaged them in a long protracted theological dialogue. Not that there is usualy any point to considering their apologetics with a view to converting and least of all because there is much (if any) hope of de-converting the deluded theist, but rather that I consider it a community service to take them of the street for an hour or two. The longer I (a seasoned atheist - immune to their proselytizing) can spend engaging them in discussion the fewer other poor souls might be wasted to their delusional ideology. It's not exactly heroic, but it does give me a little buzz, like giving blood, or tipping a busker.

Skepticus Level 5 Nov 24, 2017
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Haha community service! I love it lol

That's also how I used to handle telemarketers

You know you are doing it right when one of them decides they have to go. The "Problem of Evil" and the circularity of the "Teleological Argument" are always good places to start. Live in a small town now so can't have as much fun, you can't wind somebody up then get them to fix your car the next day.

32

Hi. I might sound mean, but i think life is too short not to have a good laugh.
About 2 years ago it happened to me, i was coming back from a walk with my dogs and saw door-knockers were coming, so i had time to prepare.
I found an old necronomicom look alike book i had when a was a teen, and when they came,i smiled weirdly, book in my hand and i gave them the classic " Hi ! Im a agent of Satan, but my duties are mostly ceremonials. What blood type are you guys ? Wanna come in ? "
About 5 seconds of silence later, they thank me for my time and left. I told them they can come back anytime.Never heard of them again. Kind of miss them

Pastafarian-Jack Level 3 Nov 10, 2017
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Love it!

lol

Ramen!

30

I bought a satanic-looking gargoyle and placed it in the window next to my front door. Never had a problem after that.

kiramea Level 7 Oct 14, 2017
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Or maybe this

I have actually thought of getting something like that.

I have a little concrete Buddah on my front doorstep, they still come!

29

I was more polite when I was younger. I would tell them honestly and openly that I intended to gently mock their beliefs and advise them to walk on. I'd then tease them a bit but they usually took the hint.
More recently I have become convinced that religion is the cancer of which the human race will die. I'm less inclined to chat with people who want to give me cancer. (Getting a bit grumpy in my old age!)

DEEBY67 Level 2 Oct 25, 2017
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me too !

heh

24

I tell them that I worship Tupperware and I would love to discuss, in detail, the most holy 'burping seal' that makes my the creator the source of all moral authority AND supreme freshness. It tends to be a really short conversation after that.

jmwaldrep Level 3 Nov 5, 2017
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LMAO!! I worship the Easter Bunny... hehe

22

Apparently I'm not as nice as you. I tell them that I worship god by having sex. Then I ask them to come into the bedroom to pray. They usually reach their car before their own shadow.

heathen77 Level 6 Dec 13, 2017
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I wish I had thought of this reply! Mind if I use it? Lol

haha

Hahaha good one!

Excellent! I hope you "pray" often.

22

Answer the door naked
It works they will leave you alone

Angela75 Level 2 Oct 18, 2017
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Indeed, along with some Heavy Metal playing in the background. LOL

20

I try to be nice cause I am a door knocker myself-as a campaign volunteer for the Democratic Party I do neighborhood canvassing.....People are usually pretty nice-but not everyone is....I try to be nice to everyone who knocks on my door.....I don't like being hateful or people being hateful to me

VirginiaMan65 Level 4 Nov 12, 2017
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Mate u tell me that most people are polite but u chose not to be!! Nobody wants doorknockers no matter ur reason its a kindness to you alone not ur org to hear your pitch... But lets be clear your rude for thinking anyone has any reason or obligation to treat you with much respect when you trespass into their home space ... You come to my door you are diminishing my personal space and i tell u to leave right away and not afraid to remove u immediately given the need/want and without warning since u have trespassed to make it to my door !

Dunno what's up with Xander. He seems to have a caps lock issue. Never mind mate, someone has to get the word out that democracy is still alive in these dark days and you are right, no need to be nasty to the misguided.

Xander you are obviously seriously ill to reply like that......Therefore please try to restrain yourself from commenting on anymore of my posts cause you are way beyond my help....Try a psychiatrist...

listen mate i probably do but that's besides the point!
if im home im home leave me be!!
and if you want to say something about this BS we keep calling democracy a system that works then i think u need to see a psychiatrist!!! capitalist's in disguise ! a truly free and equal system would see most of us if not all of us on completely equal ground on works hours effort and reward! a tangent point but yeah!

@Xander. Put a "no solicitors" sign on your door, problem solved. o_O Geez...

That’s funny - I am much more likely to take a survey now that I collect survey data!

After reading some of the answers, I would advise all to check your local laws. While you can expect solicitors to be 'run off' by No Soliciting signs, religious reps are exempt from compliance. Threatening them may land you in jail. Yeah, unfortunately we do live in a budding theocracy.

Treating others as you would like others to treat you is a fair policy. Mutual respect goes a long way. However, this assumes that they in fact respect you and your right to hold your own beliefs without having to defend them.

@VirginiaMan65 Just cause it's funny - I read your name as "Virgin Man" and thought "Gee that's a good hook!". smile009.gif My monthly dyslexia just kicked in.

@Qualia THat doesn't work.

smile003.gif @CGDEvermond It does in my city, with one exception & she got the cops called on her anyway for harrassment & threats to my dog for pushing his head through the screen to yell at her! . All our friends know to call or txt first.
In our case it was an Xfinity sales lady that thought the "no solicitors" sign was optional. She was wrong enough to get a complaint to her employer & a visit from the cops.

Edited

@zucicciu You can threaten them on your own property, but it's not advisable to do it in public.

17

I like a good debate, so I'd invite them in if I have time. I don't think they have an evidence that would convince me, but I might be able to sow some doubt in them.

glenister_m Level 3 Oct 25, 2017
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17

My last encounter was long ago and perhaps a universal message to any proselytizers to "stay away from this guy!"

I opened the door to, "Brother, do you know Jay-Zeus?"

My response: "Brother, you just missed him! He was here and left pretty drunk with a couple of <prostitutes> ...they were helping him out because he drank nearly all my damn wine..."

As they were hurriedly leaving I asked if they had any messages if he were to return. I got no response. Heathens.

DangerDave Level 8 Oct 22, 2017
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haha, may i borrow that one if i need it ??

Funeralgirl feel free and if you have any cool embellishments let me know!

Great response!!! smile002.gif

If asked by those same people I would have said "I do know Jeeezus, he mows my lawn, but doesn not do a good job and I am thinking of replacing him. Can you recommend anyone?"

16

"Could you help me sacrifice this lamb?"
someone baa'ing in the background

Kdavidson0712 Level 3 Nov 9, 2017
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lol

Too funny!!!!!!

add, " god dammit Jesus shut up!!! You are the noisiest lamb I ever had, and that's why you got to go first...."

15

i invite them in for sex

hwyman Level 3 Nov 23, 2017
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You win rhe prize! LMAO!!!

15

The last one that came was a Witness. I told him before he started that I am an atheist. He asked me how I thought we were"created". I said that we weren't created, we simply live on a Goldilocks planet - not too cold or too hot and there was the right combination of vegetation et al to support us. As to why that was, well simply put it is just serendipitous. He was stumped as to what to say to that and told me to have a nice day.

BlueKitty Level 4 Oct 25, 2017
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As I used to be a Witness they seldom come to the door but sometimes they don’t know the house. The last time, I was not in the best mood so I simply explained that I was an atheist and I didn’t believe the Bible was in any way inspired or worthy of reverence. To make their point they started reading from the Bible. DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING I SAID? HAVE YOU GOT SHIT IN YOUR EARS OR IS IT IN YOUR BRAIN. Slam, bang thank you man, they were gone.

@gearl lmfao

@gearl Sad thing now about JWs is that now they're suiting up little boys, handing them a briefcase and sending THEM to the doors (as the adults watch at a safe distance). This happened to me once, I listened politely to the child's spiel, and then asked him where his parents were. He pointed to the street, and as I walked down to them, the adults smiled triumphantly, thinking they'd caught a convert. I proceeded to chew them out for sending children. "Do you realize there are 14 registered child molesters within a 9 mile radius? (TRUE) Probably not, or you wouldn't have put your child in peril. I could've grabbed him, forced him inside and slit his throat faster than you could have saved him," I said. "Apparently, you don't value your children much. Quit USING THEM." They apologized and I've never had another call since.

@Lewellyn3 wow. People are so dumb. I will keep this story in mind though. I may borrow it if I ever see any of that around me

15

I had a raw cow's heart, and knew when they would reach my apartment. They would knock at the door. I walk out to greet them. conversation ensues. I take my cow heart and eat it letting the blood drip down from my face. One kid says that he's gonna be sick, the other calls me a satanic freak. The second one calls the police on me claiming that I was eating human hearts. Tests come back bovine. I request that they tell the Christians that they were human hearts.

That was 3 years ago. They still don't go to the apartments where I used to live anymore.

Flynn_Donahue Level 2 Oct 22, 2017
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LOL awesome!

lmao.

Lol!!!

That is AWESOME!! I used to raise reptiles in SoFla. I had snakes, lizards and tortoises, as well as other critters.
I would see them coming down my street, and answer the door festooned with my favorite Ball Pythons. That sent them running down the road screaming!!Lol

12

Got myself a sign -
No Soliciters!
Religious soliciters will be turned into toads.

And a large plastic toad sits next to it.
Need to figure out how to attach it to my front door and have the toad sitting on the top step.

CatWomanDiana Level 4 Nov 19, 2017
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12

Same as you, I talk to them.
Ask them questions, like -
in the Noah's ark story, why did God drown a lot of innocent animals? Noah saved no more than seven of each, so God drowned thousands or millions of animal who didn't sin. [Can they sin?]
He is God, so he could have take them all to Heaven for forty days (Noah too, for that matter). Or gifted them all with breath water. Or made them all vanish, and spent another six days making them all again.

Allan Level 5 Oct 27, 2017
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Where did Noah fit all the Dinosaurs?

@Leafhead where did he keep the termites? And which of the band of castaways was carrying the syphilis?

12

They are usually fairly easy-going and will leave if you politely tell them you aren't interested. You might have to say it a few times though. I did get to have a fascinating discussion with some Mormon boys about the philosophies of non-duality once. I could tell one of them was really interested. Hopefully I planted a few seeds of independent thought.

dyvynyty Level 4 Oct 25, 2017
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Next time the Mormons come around, ask them if they know that the mormon church didn't accept African Americans as converts until 1970ish. Before then, the church taught that black people couldn't be saved, were the descendants of the angels who rebelled in heaven and were "cursed" with dark skin.

That will make things extremely awkward, but should help them think too.

Yeah, i've heard about that, that our skin is brown because the evil of Satan basically burned our skin. LOL! It would be funny if i didn't know a lot of people still believe that stuff.

I only say it once-with styleLOL

Good for you, well done.

12

the one and only time I had them come to my door, I was on the treadmill in the bedroom, and I could clearly see them, and they could clearly see me too, I just kept walking on the treadmill, looking at them, they finally left, pretty boring story, but I have a friend who happened to be moving some heavy furniture into his apartment, he asked them to help him carry everything up the stairs and they did, he said they were real nice guys!

Funeralgirl Level 6 Oct 22, 2017
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11

I once sold Fuller Brush door to door, back in the early 1970s when there were still housewives at home during the day to sell to.

For door knockers today, I look to see what they're selling. If I am not in the market I smile and say, "I'm sorry I'm not interested" as I'm closing the door."

Don't wait for their reaction. Just close the door.

If they hem and haw, start a long explanation or spiel, I smile and say "I'm sorry I'm not interested."

Don't engage them, unless you are interested in their product.

(I suppose if you're not Canadian you can leave out the "I'm sorry".)

InSearchOfTruth Level 3 Oct 25, 2017
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I still like to F with them. It's fun!

11

Incredibly politely and graciously and swiftly. "Thank you, I'm not a believer but have a wonderful day!"

Ash831 Level 4 Oct 22, 2017
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I need to do this. Everyone should! so they know how many of us are out there! #weareeverywhere

11

It's been a while since I had a door knocker. Probably 10 yrs +. I used to enjoy inviting them in. Give them a cup of tea , and discuss God. I'm still not a believer but I suspect some of them are having a few doubts as well.

Nighthawk01 Level 2 Oct 19, 2017
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So true. It's always good to be nice to people. We lead by example.

10

I've found that people who want to tell me all about their religion almost never want to hear about mine.

Sugar_Magnolia Level 2 May 8, 2018
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I don't KNOW what yours may be, I only subscribe to NON BELIEF.

I am a humanist; I do not have much tolerance for their brand OF FEAR.

10

Say "Sure, we can discuss (god, religion, etc,) after we discuss your sex life. That's just as much my business as my religion is yours."

BaronSuru Level 3 Dec 22, 2017
Reply

This is great!!!!

9

I have a sign posted on my porch that says no solicitations or preaching. If someone still knocks, I point at the sign and ask them if they can read. They usually turn and leave at that point.

Sara72712 Level 6 May 26, 2018
Reply

Great way of dealing with them

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